Deep Dark Chocolate Cheesecake

This is one serious dessert. Probably one of the best things I've ever baked. Enjoy!

This must be made at least 1 day ahead.

Deep Dark Chocolate Cheesecake

Crust:

24 chocolate wafer cookies (or 12 Oreos)

1T sugar (omit if using Oreos)

1/2 stick butter, melted

Filling:

10 oz. 70% Bittersweet chocolate, chopped

32 oz. cream cheese, room temp.

1-1/4C + 2T sugar

1/4C unsweetened cocoa powder

4 eggs

Topping:

3/4C whipping cream

6 oz. 70% Bittersweet chocolate, chopped

1T sugar

Bittersweet chocolate curls, for garnish (optional)

Heat oven to 350. Butter a 9” springform pan. Blend cookies in processor until finely ground; blend in sugar, if using. Add melted butter and blend. Press evenly onto bottom (NOT sides) of pan. Bake just until set, about 5 minutes. Cool while preparing filling.

Stir chopped chocolate in metal bowl over simmering water until melted and smooth. Remove bowl from over water; cool until lukewarm but still pourable. Blend cream cheese, sugar and cocoa powder in processor until smooth. Blend in eggs 1 at a time. Mix in chocolate. Pour filling over crust; smooth top. Bake until center is just set and just appears dry, about 1 hour. Cool 5 minutes. Run knife around edges to loosen. Chill overnight.

Stir topping ingredients in medium saucepan over low heat until smooth. Cool slightly. Pour over center of cake, spreading to within 1/2” of edge and filling any cracks. Chill until topping is set, about 1 hour.

Can be made 3 days ahead; cover with foil and chill.

Release pan sides. Transfer to platter Top with chocolate curls. Let stand 2 hours at room temp. before serving.

Serves 12

Puttin' on the Frjtz

That's not a typo; "Frjtz" is the name of the restaurant where we ate dinner this evening.

I was walking around the Mission district today, saw the sign, looked at the menu, and knew we had to eat there sometime this week. It's a Belgian cafe which specializes in amazing French fries which they call "frjtz," which is probably playing off the French word "frites" which is French for "French fries." Did you know that French fries were actually invented in Belgium?

Now that we're done with linguistics and history, let's get down to the food.

It was in-freaking-credible.

We shared a starter of frjtz, of course...with garlic and white truffle oil, and a pesto dipping sauce (there were probably a dozen sauces from which to choose). Let's just say we will be safe from vampires this evening. My goodness, there was a ton of garlic! Not that that's a bad thing, but the truffle oil was kind of lost in the mix. However, the frjtz were piping hot, really tasty, and served in a paper cone, just like in Belgium. (Not that I've been there...just seen it on TV, so it must be true!)

For our mains, Glenn had a crepe with smoked salmon, creme fraiche and chives. The crepe was sooo good; really light in texture, surrounding very flavorful salmon. Somehow they managed to fold the crepe into a perfect square, which looked really nice on the plate. I had mussels in a Thai-inspired broth flavored with coconut milk and lemon grass. The portion was very satistying and after eating through all the plump and juicy mussels, I could dip the accompanying slices of French bread into the savory broth. Finally, I just ate the rest of the broth with a spoon. Delish.

After enjoying the savory crepe so much, Glenn pondered aloud if we should perhaps indulge in a dessert crepe. (Twist my arm!) We couldn't agree on which one to split -- quelle surprise -- so two were ordered. Glenn's had strawberries with creme fraiche and a berry coulis (fancy name for puree/sauce). My crepe contained roasted pears, Nutella (chocolate-hazelnut spread) and sliced almonds, with puffs of whipped cream on the outside. I swooned on the first bite and never looked back. OH MY GOSH. What a taste sensation! Creamy, crunchy, chunky, nutty, fruity, chocolatey. I was so enamored with my dessert that I forgot to ask Glenn for a bite of his! He did seem to be enjoying it very much...and neither of us could finish our crepes. We were so full, and completely content.

I loved this place. It is about a block from where I'm staying.

Blessing or curse?

:)

Talk and Walk

Some things have happened recently where I've found myself thinking, "They talk a good talk..." Of course in doing so, I have judged that person, my compassion has gone out the window, and as I lean in to deal with the speck in their eye, I am whacking them with the log sticking out of my own.

I mean, really...how many of us always walk what we talk? We are full of strong belief and good intentions, and I do trust the Lord when He says He looks at the heart. He also says that faith without works is dead. So I have to look in the mirror and see the areas where I'm not walking my talk either. I "care" about the homeless, but when have I actually DONE anything, other than give a few bucks here and there to someone on the street? Oh I googled "soup kitchen Tucson" a couple of times, but that's as far as that went.

I think most of us mean what we say when we say it, but have a hard time with the follow-through. It doesn't make us liars, it just means we're humans with big hearts who want to do the right thing and have right relationships but are often too busy, too scared, too forgetful, too [fill-in-your-adjective-here] to do so. In this moment, as I type this, I feel the Lord whisper, "Lay down your toos."

Am I too [something] to be able to walk my talk? Too afraid to speak truth so I keep silent and get resentful? Too vulnerable to reveal my heart so walls go up between me and a loved one? Too overwhelmed with my own life so I don't reach out to those around me? Too tired to chop fresh vegetables and make a salad, so I eat processed food ?

And that's just the start of the list.

I need to go take a walk.

Over the River and through the Woods...

...to Grandmother's house we go! Well, to my kids' grandmother, anyway.

Aside from Jake, who is in Australia, the rest of us will be crisscrossing our way through California and Arizona. Not sure there have ever been these many logistics in our family for one holiday:

-- Caleb and Jessica left this morning to drive to So. Cal. They're having a separate time with Grandma and Grandpa due to Caleb needing to be back here Weds. night for work.

-- Tomorrow night I will get on Amtrak a bit before 11:30, and with the help of Ambien, sleep my way to southern California. My parents-in-law will pick me up at the train station Weds. morning and the plan is to breakfast together, hopefully with Caleb and Jessica before they drive back to AZ!

-- Glenn will be taking Amtrak from No. Cal. to So. Cal. and will arrive late at night on Wednesday.

-- After Thanksgiving, Glenn and I will Amtrak (is that even a verb?) together from So. to No. and I'll stay up there for a week until I fly back to AZ.

I'm just glad we don't have to travel by horse-drawn sleigh through snow to make all of this happen. But I still find myself humming the song as I do laundry and prepare for the trip.

:)

Time for Another Recipe

I said at the beginning that this blog wasn't always going to be serious and introspective...time to make good on that promise.

Here's what I made for dinner tonight. It's cheap and easy and really yummy. It's also meatless, for you vegetarians out there. Cottage cheese is the protein. Use Dreamfields pasta for lower carbs and higher protein, too. This tastes richer than you'd think it would.

Enjoy!

From More with Less:

Cottage Cheese Casserole

Saute' in a large skillet:
2 T. butter (I used extra virgin olive oil and a smidge of butter)
1/2 c. chopped mushrooms
1/2 c. chopped onion
1/2 c. chopped celery
1 clove garlic, minced (I used 2)

Stir in:
1/4t marjoram, crushed (I used about 1/2t Italian seasoning...next time will use a full teaspoon)
4 1/2 c. water
6 oz. tomato paste
4 c. elbow macaroni (I used Dreamfields rotini)
2 t. salt
1 t. sugar
Simmer uncovered until macaroni is tender, about 25 minutes (Be sure to stir it occasionally. Also note that Dreamfields pasta cooks faster.)

Mix together:
1/4 c. parsley, chopped
2 c. cottage cheese
1/3 c. grated Parmesan cheese + more for the top

Heat oven to 350. Put half of the pasta mixture in a greased 2 qt. casserole dish. Top with cottage cheese mixture. Cover with remaining pasta mixture. Sprinkle with as much freshly grated Parmesan as you want. Bake at 350* for 35-40 min.

Pressing on with a Limp

I am having to learn -- AGAIN -- that the cost of staying silent for too long is far greater than the cost of speaking up in the moment. I have let fear rule me so much of my life. I quake in my boots when needing to speak up and then so much of the time I don't speak at all, or speak only half of what needs to be said and then it doesn't make sense, or isn't heard. OR... I'll erupt after holding things in for too long. All of the above just causes more pain in the long run. *sigh*

I have had to confess pride because I'm surprised at how unhealed I still am...how much my childhood wounds still affect me...how easily I get gripped with fear and want to flee. I am grateful to have found a few kindred souls who are on the same journey of healing; most people don't understand the terror I feel inside. I know I often come across as a confident, strong woman, but in some arenas I am still a scared little girl.

I don't want to be emotionally crippled anymore. This has been the cry of my heart for the last 17 years, and while there has been some progress, I am a long way from being where I want to be.

Sometimes I wonder if this will be the "thorn in my flesh" until Heaven. I don't know. I do know I'm growing, thanks be to God, but I still walk with a very big limp in this area.

What comes to mind as I process these things is this:

"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead.

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." -- Phillipians 3:10-14

Amen and amen.

More of that Perfect Love, Please

This quote socked me between the eyes:

"Religion is almost entirely cultural conformity and fear based. But “perfect love casts out all fear" (1 John 4:18). If your motivation is still fear or shame based, then you are still building your container, which is necessary, but it does not demand any real love of God or neighbor yet. Most of us begin with creating the skeleton, but it takes years and usually some suffering to find the meat, muscle, and the real message of the Gospel. It is probably easiest to begin conservative, since liberals do not tend to respect the basic skeleton of faith or any limits to their seeming freedom. In the second half of life you might look a little more like a liberal, but the real difference is that you have been overtaken by love and let go of fear. That is the meat, the muscle, and the message." --Richard Rohr

I am so tired of my fear. My left brain "knows" that I am completely loved and accepted by the Creator of the Universe who is also my Abba Father, but my right brain still has so many wounds that I respond out of fear far too often. Lord heal me. Heal us all.

Just Do It

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue."

-- Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)

I wasn't expecting much from today...it's just a plain-ol' Tuesday, after all. I was in the midst of the sprint to the finish line of my job -- Friday's my last day! -- when a friend called and spoke the most beautiful words of encouragement to me. I had to close my office door and weep.

Encouragement in the midst of discouragement.

Heartening in the midst of disheartening.

Words of life...what a gift.

Let's all find someone to encourage today. Write a note. Make a call. Send a text. Everyone needs to know they are thought of, appreciated and loved.

"Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose."

-- Proverbs 18:21 (The Message)

And How Are You?

since when did it become a 'should'

to tell someone "oh, it's all good"

when asked how I feel today

(is it not okay to be not okay?)

if, instead, I were to say

"dismissed, disregarded

like junk mail discarded"

what would the reaction be

to that level of honesty?

"I will be glad and rejoice in Your unfailing love for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul." -- Psalm 31:7

Sliding Ninas?

"In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:6)

I stayed home tonight.

It never ceases to amaze me how one small choice can be so impactful. Sometimes I wish the "what ifs" of my life were being filmed so I could see where different choices would lead...à la "Sliding Frasiers." (Yes, there really was an episode based on the movie "Sliding Doors.")

If I had decided to go out tonight, I would have missed two very meaningful conversations with women who "bracket" my adult life -- my best girlfriend from college whom I met about 30 years ago, and a more recent "nearest and dearest" whom I met about 3 years ago. Interestingly, both of these women have seen me at my worst, albeit at different times and in different contexts. What a blessing to have those two seasons of life converge in one evening.

My "older" friend and I never intentionally parted ways; life intervened and our paths diverged, though the love never waned. Tonight was a reconnection of unexpected depth and excitement that we'll soon be living in the same area and have the chance to rebuild our friendship in this season of life -- as wives and mothers who have experienced some tough times on the journey and become stronger and healthier for it. My newer friend has recently moved away, but I'm moving away, too, so it's not going to matter; with cell phones and Facebook, we are sure to stay in touch; at least that's our hope and prayer. Hard to imagine not being as close as we are now. However, life could intervene and our paths might diverge and we might find ourselves reconnecting as eighty-year-old women!

If I hadn't stayed home, I wouldn't have the delight of pondering all of this. Of course it's entirely possible that something else equally delightful would have happened.

But I'll never know.

Pondering Tucson

Things I will miss:

More than 350 days of sunshine a year (the most in the U.S.!!)

The majesty of the mountains (especially the Catalinas which we see from our home)

Amazing sunsets

The shadows of the clouds and the sunsets changing the color of the Catalinas

Mexican Bird of Paradise flowers

Cacti (especially sahuaros and prickly pears when laden with fruit)

Eegee's (fruit slushies only found in Tucson)

Lightning storms

Left turn arrows *after* the green light, not before (makes so much more sense!!)

Things I won't miss:

Oppressive heat (avg. of 55 days over 100 per year...mostly in the summer)

Rain in the summer (everyone loves the monsoons, except for me!)

Lack of freeway to travel across town

Having a non-hub airport (much fewer flight options)

The long drive to Phoenix if I want to go to a "big city" event.

The accidents on the road

Snowbirds

I might think of more later, but that's all for now!

Clueless

Lots of people (including me) have questions about our move, so here is the catch-all answer:

I DON'T KNOW

This applies to: the town in which we will live, when we will officially move, if we are going to sell or rent out our house, when I am going to leave my job, when I am going to officially move, where Glenn is going to live while he's in CA and I'm not, where we will go to church, if I will get a job when I get to CA...I'm sure there are other things I can't think of at the moment.

It's really quite something to know so little about my own life.

Ultimately, the answer lies in one of my favorite quotes -- "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God."

"Ignorance is bliss" sounds pretty good at this point, too.

Right Back Where I Started From

[cringe]

OK, I'll admit it...typing the title was painful; not emotionally, but grammatically. It should be "right back from where I started" but that wouldn't rhyme with "California, here I come" and then there wouldn't be a song, and then it wouldn't be stuck in my head, which at this point would be just fine with me.

Imagine "California, Here I Come" and "Get Back" by The Beatles playing at the same time; that's what's been in my brain for the past 24 hours. It's not a good mash-up. MAKE IT STOP!!!!

Get back, JoJo...

Extraordinary Gifts

Each day is a gift; every now and then, there comes a day that is an extraordinary gift. Yesterday was such a day.

It didn't start so well...I tripped over one of my shoes and fell backward onto my well padded derrière and my right arm. My right shoulder is already pretty messed up (I really do need to go see my doc when I get home!) so I needed some Advil right away. My whole body felt a bit rattled...ah, the joys of "pushing 50." Took a little while to shake that off, but once I got dressed, I was ready for our adventure.

We figured out the route from Salem to Newport, though there was conflicting info between Google Maps and Jenny's GPS about how long the drive would be. No matter...it was such a gorgeous day, any length of drive would have been fine. "Scenic" doesn't do it justice. These eyes, used to looking at desert landscape, were feasting on all the green trees, lush lawns, and so many kinds of flowers along the way. As we neared our destination, The Chowder Bowl, we were delighted to see the cute town of Newport --Lots of little shops and cafés, a few higher- end restaurants, and the ocean (!!!!) just a few blocks away.

We met up with our friend, Anna, and a couple of friends she's brought to Oregon while on fall break from college. We had a warming lunch involving various combinations of fried or grilled seafood and shellfish, and wonderful clam chowder...each bowl with a little bit of butter floating on top; perfect on a crisp autumn day.

The weather was glorious -- a few wispy clouds in an otherwise clear blue sky. I didn't need to wear a sweatshirt under my jacket, but the scarf Jenny loaned me was nice to keep the wind off my neck. I never felt cold, just a bit nippy at times. We split off from the younger girls and walked slowly along the beach, the sun so bright and the water so glistening. I love the ocean's roar -- just loud enough to be background music to our deep conversation. We found a rock formation to sit and lie on, and as we began to pray together, I got the sense of being on God's large lap. The rock was unexpectedly comfortable, and we stayed there for quite awhile, talking and praying, until...

Jenny saw a sea lion!! It was about 50 feet from us. We jumped up, and watched it lift its head up to the sky, looking almost royal as it did...and then it would plop down and rest for awhile, and then crawl for a bit, and then plop down again. It seemed to be trying to make its way to the ocean, but having some trouble. We weren't sure what to do. Our young friends came over to see this wonderful creature, and we were all concerned for it, but again, at a loss for what to do. Another couple came by and said they thought they'd seen a sign with a phone number on it, so I investigated and found out the sea lion might have some kind of bacterial infection in its kidneys and the only thing to do was to leave it alone and let it rest. Plus the disease it might have is transmittable to humans...glad none of us touched the poor thing!

We went on our way, walking and talking and praying and soaking up the sun and the air and the sea. We said goodbye to the beach and explored the town a little. Took a long walk to find an ice cream shop because I always want ice cream on a trip to the beach (something left over from my childhood, I think). Caramel apple ice cream with big chunks of apple...something I'd not had before...frozen apple reminded me a lot of frozen grapes (which I love)...very refreshing and icy. Long walk back to the car and then the drive home, with an amazing sunset behind us. Jenny and I both agree we want to come back to Newport and explore it more. I'm sure she'll make it there long before I will, but I look forward to hearing about her next adventure in that cute town.

Back home, we brought out the bottle of champagne I'd bought and Erich, Jenny and I toasted their new home and new life and our friendship. And I gave them the "memory book" I'd put together from their going-away party. Lots of pictures and handwritten notes from friends. I love putting things together, with little scrapbooking decorations to make it more personal and special. I can't draw to save my life, but I can put stickers on things in a cute enough way! :)

Jenny and I then went out for a very late dinner at La Capitale, which is the only French restaurant in Salem, I think. (Aside from the coffee and crepe place, which we will visit for breakfast tomorrow.) We both felt more in the mood for nibbles than a meal, so we ordered fried almonds with sea salt and also parsnip chips to start. Unusual things, and so delicious. We then split an order of escargots with hazelnuts (loved the texture and flavor!) and then shared a charcuterie tray (different meats, olives, pickled veggies) and a cheese tray (3 kinds of cheese, with chutney and candied hazelnuts, and a few fruits). It was perfect, along with a lovely red wine.

I sat there, thinking not only about the day, but about the gift of this friendship. Jenny has seen me at my worst, and at my most desperate, and she loves me still. She isn't afraid of my intensity. I don't have to hold back anything when I'm with her. We laugh hard and pray harder. We both love food and wine and all things French (she's actually French and fluent; I'm just a wannabe!). We walk together on the journey of healing, on the journey toward Jesus, being gutly honest with Him (and each other) about what's going on in our lives and our souls. To find this sense of safety with one another is more than a blessing.

All friendships are gifts; this one, like the day we shared yesterday, is an extraordinary gift.

I am so thankful.

Coldness

The chill of brisk autumn air on my face

after being inside all day

feels wonderful.

A cold lick of an ice cream cone

under the hot summer sun

brings a delightful chill.

BUT

Words from a friend

said with no compassion

bring a different chill to my bones.

Accusations and a slamming door

(with no room for discussion)

are harsher than a New York City blizzard.

Silence after pouring out my heart

and waiting and waiting for any response

feels icy cold to me.

Brain freeze?

I think I have soul freeze.

A Veritable Smorgasbord!

"He escorts me to the banquet hall; it's obvious how much he loves me."

-- Song of Songs 2:4 (NLT)

"He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love." (NIV)

----------------

You prepare a table before me

even though the meal isn't quite ready

i can smell its fragrance

and i know good things are being prepared

when the time comes to feast

it's going to be more than satisfying

You are the Master Chef

Lover of My Soul

Lover of My Soul
When I see the winter turning into spring,
Oh, it speaks to this heart of mine more than anything.
Underneath a blanket of snow cold and white,
Something is stirring in the still of the night.

When the sun comes up slowly with the dawn,
Oh, this is the kind of feeling that I hang my hope upon.
There is a love and beauty in all that I see
And no one, nobody is explaining You to me.

Chorus:
And maybe my eyes can't see
But You are surrounding me
Here in the wind and rain,
The things that I know.
Tender and sweet
And strong as my need
I know the voice, I know the touch,
Lover of my soul.

When the evening sun slowly fades to red
And time and time and time again I whisper in my head,
"Give me grace, give me strength to fully believe
That the maker of this whole wide world is a father to me."

---------------------------------
I love that song by Amy Grant. The Lord is the Lover of my soul. He speaks to me through His creation, wooing me, calling to me, drawing me to the only place my deepest longings will be filled. I love the line "Tender and sweet and strong as my need." He knows what I need. The Creator of the Universe also formed me in my mother's womb and created my fingerprints and my curly hair :) ...and loves me enough to care about the cries of my heart.

What an amazing God is He.

Beloved, Part II

My friend, Randy Chase, posted the second half of the Nouwen quote from the other day... and I wanted to share it, too.

“I am putting this so directly and so simply because, though the experience of being the Beloved has never been completely absent from my life, I never claimed it as my core truth. I kept running around it in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness. It was as if I kept refusing to hear the voice that speaks from the very depth of my being and says: “You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.” That voice has always been there, but it seems that I was much more eager to listen to the other, louder voices saying: “Prove that you are worth something; do something relevant, spectacular, or powerful, and then you will earn the love you so desire.” Meanwhile, the soft, gentle voice that speaks in the silence and solitude of my heart remained unheard or, at least, unconvincing."

"That soft, gentle voice that calls me the Beloved has come to me in countless ways. My parents, friends, teachers, students, and many strangers who crossed my path have all sounded that voice in different tones. I have been cared for by many people with much tenderness and gentleness. I have been taught and instructed with much patience and perseverance. I have been encouraged to keep going when I was ready to give up and was stimulated to try again when I failed. I have been rewarded and praised for success…but, somehow, all of these signs of love were not sufficient to convince me that I was the Beloved. Beneath all my seemingly strong self-confidence there remained the question: “If all those who shower me with so much attention could see me and know me in my innermost self, would they still love me?” That agonizing question, rooted in my inner shadow, kept persecuting me and made me run away from the very place where that quiet voice calling me the Beloved could be heard.

I think you understand what I am talking about. Aren’t you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don’t you often hope: “May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire.” But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death.

Well, you and I don’t have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before our parents, teachers, spouses, children, and friends loved or wounded us. That’s the truth of our lives. That’s the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That’s the truth spoken by the voice that says, “You are my Beloved.”

Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: “I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother’s womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst.” (P. 33-37.)

I wish I could say I only knew the voices of people who have believed in me and affirmed me throughout my life. But, the truth is in spite of all the encouragement I have received, there still are times when I doubt what I have heard and feel like I am invisible and forgotten. It is then that God reminds me that no matter what I feel, He is always there...inviting me to believe in what He says about me and choosing to build my life upon what He says is true.

Babbling on Dabbling

Today I dabbled in art for the first time in over 4 years. I was shamed by an art teacher when I was very young, and have been afraid of drawing, painting, etc. ever since. I did have a wonderful art teacher in 4th grade, but the damage had been done; in 5th grade (maybe it was 6th?) I was given the choice between art or wood shop and I never stepped foot into an art class again.

Today is "24-Hour Comics" day and Glenn and Caleb are participating. I knew there was no way I could stay up for 24 hours, let alone draw a comic, but I thought it might be fun to get some oil pastels and dabble a little bit while the guys planned out their storyboards and drew their characters. I Googled "oil pastels beginner" and found the instructions and projects to be too advanced for me! "Oil pastels kids" produced some ideas that were more my speed.

The winter tree is a copy of one of the projects I found. The geometric one is an idea that came into my head, but it didn't quite turn out the way I wanted. Still, it was fun to use bold colors and experiment.

I have to say, I'm really happy with the tree. It's funny, the very first thing I ever learned to draw (a *very* simplistic line drawing, that is) was a tree. The last time I painted, which was over four years ago, I painted a tree. (I'll post a picture of that sometime, I'm sure.) Trees speak to me -- their roots going deep into the soil; the bearing of fruit or flowers; the leaves turning, dying, falling; branches bare in winter, held high in worship to the Creator, trusting that new growth will come in the spring.

Summer is just ending here in Tucson, but for me it's been a long, hard winter. I want to be like the tree I drew today...roots going deep, arms and hands raised, trusting my Creator for new life to sprout whenever the next season comes.

Lesson from Lemmon

I have been wanting to spend time up on Mt. Lemmon for awhile now. I love the ocean, but I also love being in the woods, and Mt. Lemmon is at an elevation of 9157 ft. so even though it's just 45 minutes away from home, it feels like a completely different world...not a cactus in sight.

The last time I was on the mountain was a year ago, with some of the same people. Each year, IRC Tucson shuts down for a day and the staff has a retreat. It's a day of hanging out, eating way too much food, and playing wacky games for the sheer joy of being silly and laughing together. (It was a bonus that my team won today...huzzah!!) I love the sense of camaraderie this kind of gathering builds. We come down the mountain more bonded and ready to dive in for another year.

That being said, I still really long for a day "up there" by myself where I can leisurely stroll on trails and ponder life, the universe and everything... and bring all of my concerns before God in the midst of His creation. I was able to steal a few moments of that today, and it was like warm oil to my aching soul. The temperature was perfect (neither hot nor cold), the sky was crystal clear, and the scent of pine trees filled the air. I must go back and soak up more of that and soon, before it gets cold. Shivering my way along trails is NOT my idea of a good time.

Anyway, I spent a little time staring at an empty creek bed, imagining it full of rushing water (oh, how I love that sound!). I wondered if there would ever be enough rainfall to fill the creek again; I wondered if the rocks longed for the water or if they were content to be laid bare for however long the dry season would last. Or maybe it's both-and?

Hmm....

Midnight Reflections

Midnight is an interesting time -- it's that moment between days...no longer Tuesday but not quite Wednesday.

This current season of life feels a lot like midnight...hanging in the balance...no longer what it was but not yet what it will be. There are a lot of unknowns; questions hang in the air, answers still to come. And when the answers come, life might start moving at break-neck speed.

The challenge for me is to be content in this midnight season...to not look back or ahead too much. I need to "be still and know..." To keep surrendering (as I wrote earlier) in the moment, and know that the next moment will come in due time.

So I will put head to pillow now, at midnight, and rest.

Beloved

My friend, Randy Chase, quoted Henri Nouwen on his blog recently and I had to steal it and post it here. Henry Nouwen was a Dutch priest and prolific author who passed away several years ago. It is one of my life's goals to read everything he ever wrote...his writing touches me so deeply. The passage Randy quoted speaks so clearly my heart, especially for those in emotional pain. Many of us wrestle with lies and judgments from our childhood and I know the Lord wants to eradicate those things with His truth. Let's allow these words to soak deep into our souls. I needed this today. Blessings to all of you "out there" who need this, too!!!

From Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living In a Secular World:

"Ever since you asked me to write for you and your friends about the spiritual life, I have been wondering if there might be one word I would most want you to remember when you finished reading all I wish to say. Over the past year, that special word has gradually emerged from the depths of my own heart. It is the word "Beloved," and I am convinced that it has been given to me for the sake of you and your friends.

Being a Christian, I first learned this word from the story of Jesus of Nazareth. "No sooner had Jesus come up out of the water than he saw the heavens torn apart and the Spirit, like a dove, descending on him. And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son, the Beloved; my favor rests on you'" (Matt. 3:16-17; Mark 1:10-11; Luke 3:21-22): For many years I had read these words and even reflected upon them in sermons and lectures, but it is only since our talks in New York that they have taken on a meaning far beyond the boundaries of my own tradition. Our many conversations led me to the inner conviction that the words "You are my Beloved" revealed the most intimate truth of all human beings, whether they belong to any particular tradition or not.

...all I want to say to you is "You are the Beloved," and all I hope is that you can hear these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being - "You are the Beloved."...Yes, there is that voice, the voice that speaks from above and from within and that whispers softly or declares loudly: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests." It certainly is not easy to hear that voice in a world filled with voices that shout: "You are no good, you are ugly; you are worthless; you are despicable, you are nobody - unless you can demonstrate the opposite."

"These negative voices are so loud and so persistent that it is easy to believe them. That's the great trap. It is the trap of self-rejection. Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can, indeed, present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. I am constantly surprised at how quickly I give in to this temptation. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking: "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." Instead of taking a critical look at the circumstances or trying to understand my own and others' limitations, I tend to blame myself - not just for what I did, but for who I am. My dark side says: "I am no good...I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned...." (Pages 29-33.)

I hope you know today that God calls you His beloved, that He wants you to come closer to Him...and... that all the voices that say otherwise are untrue.

Surrender

growing up, giving up
dying, dying
honestly, Lord
sometimes i don't feel like trying
anymore, but You beckon
and i come, crying
'cause the right thing feels wrong
and the wrong thing feels right
guess that's why
i must walk by faith
and not by sight
not living by feelings
but on what i know to be true
not living for me
but living for You
------------------

"Put your hands up in the air!" How many times have I seen that on various police/detective shows? The lifting of one's hands demonstrates complete submission to whatever authority is present, relinquishing control to that authority, no matter the circumstances. I'm grateful God doesn't shout angrily at me to surrender, but life with Him does come with that command, doesn't it? And yet, obeying His commands is always a choice. He loves me enough to not wave a gun at me, but to give me free will to choose to trust that He knows what's best.

I love raising my hands in worship. When my shoulders aren't hurting, I love to raise my hands high. Often I am doing this as a child raises her arms to her Daddy, but more often I am raising my hands in worship as an act of surrender: not my will, Lord, but Yours; You are God and I'm not; You are in control; I give You control in this moment, again, of everything in my life...the good, the bad, the ugly, the pain, the joys, the struggles...EVERYTHING.

This past year has been a season of deepening surrender; I've had to let go of things I never even imagined I'd have to consider giving up: my marriage -- which would have been quite enough, thank you. But wait! There's more!; a childhood friend who came back into my life at precisely the wrong time; the church family I have loved and have been part of for the past nine years; the two ministries which allowed me to operate in my gifts, calling and passions; my health (which seems to be getting progressively worse); my adult children, especially my younger son who has found his calling far away in Australia; one of my best friends who is moving away to another state. Needless to say, I am feeling completely stripped on all fronts.

So far the only thing that is being given back to me is my marriage, and that is HUGE and wonderful and I am very grateful for what God did and continues to do in our lives. Yet even that needs daily surrendering to God's plan and will. It took so much for me to fully let go of it, and it has taken an equal amount of surrendering for me to completely grab hold of it again.

But what the Lord is ultimately asking of me is to grab hold of HIM completely, and to trust HIM completely. To fix my eyes on HIM and not my circumstances, and to take things as they come, one day at a time. To bring Him whatever pain I am feeling and be honest with Him about it, and yet not let it rule me or define me.

I wish I could say this has been easy. Instead, it's been a constant slogging in my soul, and I am weary; exhausted is more like it. But below that is peace. And assurance. And deep trust that He is working all things together for good and for His purposes. I can't see it yet, but that's OK. Hence, walking by faith and not by sight...with His Word a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

When someone asks the ubiquitous question, "How are you?" I am never really sure what to say. I guess the most honest answer would be, "Surrendered."

The Ever-Fixed Mark

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken...

That's the beginning of Shakespeare's Sonnet #116. The first time I heard it was in the movie "Sense and Sensibility," which I have begun to watch for the umpteenth time. One of my favorite films ever.

I am loving the movie, as always, but this time with a bittersweet cringe. (Great name for a band?) I'm far too much like Marianne. But she learns...and I learn.

I love the romance of this sonnet, but ultimately, the ever-fixed mark in my life is Jesus...the Lover of my Soul. Oh how easily I "bend with the remover" which is usually my own flesh...my own faithless heart. I realize all-too late that an idol has a grip on me and I on it. And "it" can even be something good...something God-given. But Jesus wants to be First and He seems to be in the business of making this abundantly clear to me. So He pries my fingers off the things onto which I grasp and it hurts to let go. Like Marianne, I feel my feelings so deeply...right down to my toes...and before I know it, my emotional pores start oozing...sometimes beyond my control, it seems. Then I lose sight of my Ever-Fixed Mark; I can make Him out in the haze, but just barely.

What a patient Lover is He. He beckons. He waits. He beckons. He waits. And finally I come running, grateful for the Everlasting Arms that enfold me and the outstretched hands I can now grab since I am no longer clinging to something else. He forgives me, creates in me a clean heart and restores my joy. He lifts me out of the miry clay and places my feet on a rock and puts a new song in my heart.

And I learn once again that He is never shaken by the tempests of my soul.

Gone but Never Forgotten

Lately I've been really missing my friend, George. He died of AIDS nearly 13 years ago, and not a week goes by that I don't quote him, or laugh at a memory of something witty/snarky/funny he said. His voice often rings in my ears at just the right time. He had a way of cutting through the BS of life and getting to the heart of things...and no one could make me laugh as quickly or as hard.

He had such a big impact on my life; whenever I start to wonder if I had any kind of impact on him, I hear him snark, "Don't flatter yourself, Honey."

And all I can do is laugh.

Thundering in My Ears

I have had a very tough day physically...a pretty bad fibro attack along with the heart palpitations and hot flashes that come with being an almost-49-year-old female. Most of the day, it was physical pain and discomfort which seemed to thunder in my ears, heart, and soul.

Just a little while ago, a song broke through which is now thundering louder than anything else. I want to post it here because the truth of these lyrics is so rich...and it is my prayer that this truth would thunder more loudly than any pain -- physical or emotional -- that I might be feeling. And not just left-brain truth as knowledge but the right-brain truth of *experiencing* His amazing power, strength, and love in my life. Make it so, Lord.

In Christ Alone
Stuart Townend, Keith Getty

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

July 4

red, white and blue
the colors of our flag
'tis true

Australia
France
Great Britain
Iceland
New Zealand
and Norway
(to name a few)
all have flags
of those three hues

we are but one of many
start sharing, America

Happy Birthday

Tonight's Prayer Time in a Nutshell

arms outstretched
He beckons

I take His hand
and the adventure begins

following His lead
I choose to trust
to look ahead
and to never look back

and in the choosing
I find freedom
and peace
and love

Love the Skin You're In

Have you ever wished you could jump inside another person's skin, to be able to see with their eyes, hear with their ears, have their memories and then finally understand why they think what they think, feel what they feel and do what they do?

Have you also wished someone could jump inside your own skin for a few minutes so that you would know, at least for awhile, that you were finally understood?

These things are yet another part of "the magic that is me" -- the longing to be known and understood...and the longing to know and understand others...far beyond the surface of what is presented.

A good friend once wrote,"Our skin hides the truth." We can never know what's really going on inside of someone. An action that might mean something to you might mean something completely different to someone else. It's so easy to look at another's life and wrap it all up in a neat box of our own interpretation. We have it all decided, don't we? And then we treat that person accordingly, without a moment's thought that perhaps our interpretation of things might be DEAD WRONG.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when someone takes a little information they might have about me, interpolates it their own way and then presents it to me as truth. As if they know me. As if they get what's going on inside me. As if they have figured out all of my heart's motivations. Usually they are way off base. Trying to connect the dots of someone's life without asking what's going on inside is usually a recipe for disaster, or at least a lot of untruth. (Believe me, I've had more than my share of this over the past year.)

And in those moments, I'd love to have a skin exchange, where I could jump behind their eyes to see what they see, and they could jump behind mine to see what I see. Then maybe things would be different.

But this can't literally happen. So depending on the situation and my frame of mind (and/or hormonal state), I might say very little and go on my way, trying not to carry the judgment with me or at least not allow it to seep into my soul. Or I might take a chance and try to use this finite language of ours to explain the infinite complexities of the mind, heart, and soul...to try to express what's really going inside, at the risk of making things worse by compounding the misunderstandings. See, when I say something, there are actually 3 things being said -- 1) what I really said, 2) what I think I said, and 3) what they think I said. No wonder we have wars and conflicts and relational blow-outs. It's a miracle any 2 people can have any kind of understanding at all.

But is it worth trying? I believe so... at least with a few people you trust; those who would love nothing more than to have a skin exchange, but can't, so they will hang in there with the words until what they think you said and what you think you said meet in that magical moment of YES, that's what you really said! And when it's *really* good, there might come an even more magical moment of recognition when they say, "Me, too!" (I believe this is how friendships are born..a weaving of those "'me too' moments.") And I highly recommend doing this with voice and NOT over email. *shudder* (Talk about a recipe for misinterpretation!)

I guess my point in all of this is to ask humanity -- and let it begin with me! -- to not be so quick to decide we have someone else all figured out. To not draw conclusions based on a few dots we have connected, when in fact we have probably missed some of the major dots which help create the true picture. Coming alongside someone and asking what's going on rather than telling someone what's going on goes a long way to building bridges of compassion and understanding.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep trying to love the skin I'm in (with or without Olay, thank you very much) and work harder to understand what's going on beneath me (the inward journey!) before I start trying to get inside anyone else's skin, or expect them to try to get into mine.

But I can't deny the longing is still there.

The Perfect Baked Potato

Set oven to 350

Scrub spuds (sans soap)

Pierce each with fork 6-8 times

Rub with olive oil

Sprinkle liberally with kosher salt

Bake on oven rack for 1 hour

Slit each spud with a knife

Push in at the ends

Poof! Potato perfection

If only everything in life were this simple

So Much to Say...

...and no time to say it; doesn't make for a very interesting blog.

And much of what I want to say I can't really share with the entire universe. So I hold it close and ponder it all in my heart, à la Mary after she heard the news about her baby from the angel Gabriel.

Of course, what has gone on in my life will in no way impact the planet like Mary's life did...but my life (and that of those closest to me) has changed dramatically over this past year. I will never be the same. My family will never be the same. I believe this is a good thing, and I am trusting it will be an even better thing in the long run. We'll look back and stand in awe of the miracles God has done in our hearts and in our relationships.

For now, I feel I am entering a crucible; the heat is on, and it's going to take time for the dross to rise to the surface so it can be skimmed off, leaving a refined and purified heart, shining like gold for the Lord. That's certainly my prayer, anyway. (Not the time part...but the end result!)

I know it's not going to be easy. I have recently become aware of some large blind spots in my life...aware of how unaware I have been. I have always thought of myself as a very self-aware person...apparently not! This in and of itself has been incredibly humbling...to realize there are things about myself and how I relate to others to which I have been completely oblivious. Lord, have mercy on me, sinner that I am. I have asked Him daily to have His way and to break me and He is answering that prayer!!

So I enter the crucible with a bit of a limp, having no idea what lies ahead and knowing even more than before that I know very little.

Not a bad place to be, actually.

Good Grief

(warning....f-bomb at the end)

My husband lost a very good friend this week. He was my friend, too, though Glenn knew Steve far longer than I did...since they were in high school.

I have some very fond memories of Steve; the ones I think of the most are from almost 10 years ago when he helped me plan Glenn's 40th birthday party. We had so much fun "scheming" various ideas and he was my cheerleader, rejoicing with each new thing I was able to plan. Bit by bit things came together, the party was a smashing success -- a romp through Medieval/Renaissance days, one of the highlights being "If Dr. Suess wrote Hamlet" -- and I owe much of that to Steve. I was so glad he was able to come share that day with us, and to celebrate Glenn, and their life-long friendship.

Now Steve is gone, and we are grieving. Glenn posted some wonderful pictures of Steve and expressed some of his grief on his Facebook page; I have been so blessed by the outpouring of love that has been shown to Glenn. Most people are compassionate and understand that grieving is good, and an important part of the circle of life.

And yet... *heavy sigh*

...someone had the audacity to tell me we shouldn't grieve, because Steve lived a life that led to his death. Instead, we should be "happy" because Steve got what he wanted and that instead of grieving, we should work to ensure that other people don't make the same choices. My stomach is still turning. Is this how Jesus would come alongside someone who lost a friend? I THINK NOT.

I am beyond angry; I am furious. Our grief is because we loved Steve, because he was a good friend, because he meant something to us. That he made life choices we might not agree with does not remove our love nor our grief. (Perhaps it even increases our grief!) To imply that someone isn't worth grieving because they weren't following Jesus just makes me sick.

Last I checked, we are to mourn with those who mourn...to weep with those who weep. If you can't do that, then please keep your f***ing Pharisaical thoughts to yourself.

More-Fun-than-Anyone-Should-Be-Allowed-to Have Day!!!

WOW. Wow. wow. WOW-FREAKING-Wow. I don't remember when I've had this much fun packed into one day. It's been a looooong time, that's for sure.

Right now it's 1 a.m. and I'm awake and wired and processing all that this day has been. It started with Chrissy making me wonderful coffee (very close to as good as Glenn's!!) and then we drove to Mesa and had afternoon tea for our lunch at the most wonderful little place called the Front Porch Tea Cafe (they have a group here on FB...I just became a fan!). This place isn't over-the-top frilly like some tea places, but girly enough for the two of us for our "getaway!" Lovely murals and trompe l'oeil paintings on the walls...will post pics soon. Fun little shop with all sorts of things. I bought a pair of earrings and Chrissy and I each bought new purses. I know...at a tea shop? Well, they had all kinds of cool stuff. I also got a little purple dish in the shape of a butterfly for which to put my tea bag when I make a cup of tea. It was so much fun to linger and not feel rushed. We had a blast. The women who run the place are so friendly and warm. Turns out they've only been open 6 months; we wish them all the success in the world. I hope I can come back soon.

We then drove to our hotel which is a Best Western/Innsuites. Unfortunately they did not have an elevator, so we gimpy gals with bad knees trudged up the stairs, with the help of one of the hotel staff, luggage in tow...only to find that our keys didn't work. After several tries, a maintenance person was called and he did a bunch of various maintenance-y things and finally fixed our door and lock. It had something to do with the adjacent window; at that point we didn't care, we were just glad to get it fixed as we were tired and hot and just wanted to get into our room!

It was well worth the wait as the suite is HUGE. It has a bedroom with two comfy queen-sized beds (the pillows are amazing, too...and are available for purchase, which is tempting), a TV, fridge and microwave, and a full bathroom...the other room is a living room with a pull-out couch and chair, desk, breakfast bar, TV, and ANOTHER full bathroom...so we each get our own bathroom and showerl Very cool. And a full breakfast is included. All this for $75 a night. I LOVE the summer deals in Phoenix.

We unpacked and relaxed for awhile before heading to dinner at Chino Bandido, a place I'd seen on "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives." Guy Fieri KNOWS...this place had incredible food. It was definitely on the "dive" side of things, but OMg...the FOOD! The "diablo chicken" was some of the best food I've eaten in ages. I will drive back to Phoenix with anyone to eat that again. I loved the mix of Chinese, Mexican and Caribbean cuisines. You can make your own combo plate out of the various dishes, so there are a zillion options. We both loved our dinners and had fun taking pictures next to the large autographed photo of Mr. Fieri himself.

The drive to the arena was easy as we were past the rush hour traffic. We got to the parking lot with 10 minutes to spare and started walking fast, as we were parked quite far from the entrance. About a minute into the walk, I gasped and realized I'd left the tickets in the car!!!! The adventure really began as we dashed (as much as I can dash these days) back to where we swore our car was parked...only it wasn't. And we couldn't even find the row number we had memorized in order to find our car after the concert. Suddenly we felt like we were in the middle of an episode of "The Twilight Zone" and kept racing around, trying to find the car, and the clock was ticking! FINALLY things became clear, we found the car and the tickets and then had to dash even faster. The adrenaline rush prevented my leg from hurting too much, and we made it to our seats at 7:40 p.m. Fortunately, they didn't start the concert until 7:45, so we breathed a huge sigh of relief, and relaxed and got ready for the show to begin. We kept laughing the whole time assuring ourselves that it didn't matter if we were late, it was all part of the adventure. But I was soooo glad we didn't miss a single note.

I don't even know what to say about the concert itself. I could use all sorts of superlatives, but they wouldn't begin to express what it was like. It was more than just loving the songs and the music. It was seeing 2 old-ish people (Carole is 68 and James is 62) doing what they absolutely love to do, with all the passion and gusto and joy that was humanly possible. I loved seeing the gifts God gave them displayed in so many ways. And it went deep into my soul that if they can do it, so can I. I don't have to give up just yet. I don't know what my future is going to hold regarding music, singing, worship-leading, etc...I just know, now more than ever, that it's not over, even if I only sing for myself and God. I had expressed that before, but it went deeper into me this evening, listening to Carole King belt things out from her gut, not always hitting the notes perfectly, but with a passion and joy that was far more important than perfection. That's what I've always loved about her -- her rawness and lack of shame or self-consciousness. It's what inspired me when I was 14, and it's obviously inspiring me still. And James!!! Oh what a gentle soul, and so talented...the music came out of him so easily, like breathing. While Carole had abundant energy, James was laid-back and his fingers did the talking on that guitar. And the two of them together balanced each other so beautifully, both musically and relationally. They are so obviously good friends, deep friends, after all these years. The love between them was so sweet.

The collaboration of the entire band/team was so wonderful, too...it brought tears to my eyes, remembering how I felt when the worship team and I were preparing for a special celebration service and I took a moment to thank them for making my dreams come true...to have a band that I'd worked with for awhile, to make music together, to front a "rock band"...to play and sing for Jesus with like-minded people. It was such a glorious experience for me (this was a little over a year ago) and I really really miss it. As I watched the band play tonight -- they're the original band/team from James and Carole's first concert together 40 years ago -- I felt a stirring and longing to be part of something like that again. Not sure of the context -- in the church or out (or both?!) -- but I do think I'm made to make music with people, to sing with others, to harmonize, and to laugh and create and relate with others who love to do what I do. I will continue to pray for guidance and clarity about when and where and how...it's all in His hands, and I trust Him.

So....obviously this concert went waayyyy beyond the singers and the songs for me. Though the songs were fabulous, of course. All of the hits and a few others. The entire evening ended with one of my very favorites...a "foundational" song for me as it was one of the very first songs I learned on the guitar..."Close Your Eyes." It's also a lullabye we sang to our boys when they were babies, so it's a very special song in many ways. What a way to end the evening.

Chrissy and I took some time to sit and let things sink in. Then we left, and managed to find the car (!!) and drove back to the hotel. I had to call Glenn and tell him all about it, and he then gave me the wonderful news that he'd bought tickets for us for the Anaheim concert in July! It's Carole and James's final show in the U.S. (on this tour, anyway). I am sooo excited to know I'll be seeing them again, and this time with my spouse. That's going to be so special. You could have knocked me over with a feather!!! My husband is the best!!!

When Chrissy and I got back to the hotel, we realized we were hungry so we ordered a pizza! Got in our jammies and ate pizza and talked and talked. I felt like I was in college again! So much fun to talk and laugh and share...fun things, serious things, fluffy things, deep things. I am so grateful for this wonderful friend who has walked with me through thick and thin, and who I know will be a friend for life....just like Carole and James. :)

So I am now ready to put my head on one of those comfy pillows and drift off to dreamland. We have no specific plans for tomorrow...truly a vacation day for me...to sleep in and just see how the day unfolds.

Thanks for going on this journey with me/us!

Hi, I'm Nina, and I'm a Perfectionist

Part of "the magic that is me" is that I'm a recovering perfectionist. You'd never know it from the clutter in my room and my apartment...perhaps that's the "recovering" part. :)

This week my perfectionism reared its head in two ways. The first was with the blog. After I posted the first post, I kept reading it, and editing it, and changing it. The curse of having worked for a magazine? Maybe. I also think I didn't want something "out there" of mine to be not written well. And that's OK, to a point. But somewhere along the way -- on the tenth reading perhaps? -- I realized I was obsessing and needed to LET IT GO. So I did. But watching myself go over everything with a fine-tooth comb over and over again made me realize that I'm not as far along in my recovery as I'd like. Praying for progress. Maybe I'll only read this one five times.

The other scenario where perfectionism rose up was about a gathering I'm having today for a friend who's visiting from another state. She's one of my closest friends, who has been a rock for me during the past *very* turbulent nine months (more on that along the way, I'm sure), and I really wanted to put together something special for her. I had envisioned trays of assorted tea sandwiches, scones, tarts, a big cake, etc...a veritable plethora (I LOVE that phrase) of homemade "high tea" goodies. I was going to decorate the party room with lots of flowers and balloons. My inner Martha Stewart was coming out and I was looking forward to this opportunity to shine as a hostess, as that is also part of who I am (and I must credit my mother for that!). I love to cook, to entertain, to gather people and watch everyone eat and have fun. And I haven't hostessed a gathering in a looong time.

I'd like to know who first said, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans" because life most certainly happened. I can hardly stand or walk...something is wrong with my right hip/leg/knee/ankle, perhaps all rooted in a pinched nerve in my lower back; I won't know until I see a chiropractor on Tuesday. The point is that the plans of standing in my kitchen for hours, cooking and preparing a lavish afternoon tea, had to go flying out the window. I couldn't even do the grocery shopping for the party (I thank my sweet spouse for doing that!). Platters from Subway and lots of yummy goodies from Trader Joe's will have to suffice. Now I *know* this is no big deal. At least my left brain knows this. My right brain, the emotional side of me, was sad and mad at my body, and felt really disappointed that I couldn't do the thing I wanted to do to bless my friend. And I started obsessing again, trying to think of ways I could maybe make a couple of things. Then I stood up and tried to walk to my cookbook shelf and reality set in.

So I decided to listen to my friend instead of the tapes in my head. She is blessed to be here. She is blessed to have a gathering at all. While homemade food would have been lovely, she cares more about my health than that, and the party is about friends, not food. She knows I can cook, I don't have to prove that to her or anyone else. Ah yes...see there it is again...PRIDE. Mixed in with the healthy enjoyment of doing what I love to do is also pride that says it has to be done that way or it's somehow "less than." I just felt God's gentle, padded 2x4 whack me upside the head.

So...this blog won't be perfect, the party won't be perfect...LIFE will NEVER be perfect. I'm OK with that. Really.

Well, mostly.

I'm still in recovery.

I Have a Blog! Now What? (So What?)

First, the name of this blog. Terry Wardle -- a man I greatly admire and whose ministry has radically changed my life over the past couple of years -- speaks about how we need to be on three simultaneous journeys: upward to God, outward to others, and inward to ourselves. When he said that, I saw an image of a triangle in a wheel...and when all three sides of the triangle were "firing," the wheel moved forward. When even one side of the triangle wasn't "on," the wheel was still. What I took away from this is that in order to move FORWARD (some might prefer the word "onward") I need to constantly be moving upward, outward and inward, otherwise I will get stuck and stagnant.

This has been very profound and revelatory in my life. I regularly check in with myself...am I engaging with God (upward), with others (outward) and with myself (inward)? (And inward can also mean engaging with God since He lives in me! I'm sure I'll talk about that somewhere down the road.)

So when I sat in front of the screen that asked me to name this blog, it took me awhile to settle on the title. After all, I'm "into" many things...Jesus, my family, friends, food, cooking, restaurants, music, singing, worship, the ocean, travel, Paris, books, all things French, chocolate, formational prayer, counseling, "inner healing," relationships, movies...did I say food? But they all fall somewhere along the upward/outward/inward journeys. Everything I do...all of my passions...all of my longings, thoughts, feelings, opinions...all fall somewhere along that triangle. It is all part of "the magic that is me," which is one of my favorite quotes from "Frasier." Musing on all of that gave me my title. It might be cumbersome, but so am I. :)

We'll see where this blog takes me...and us...if there is an "us" at all! I have no idea who would want to regularly read my musings. I just know I need some kind of outlet for the zillions of things that swirl around in my head and heart...and Facebook is not the place for it all. A few people in my life have said I need to write, and not just in my journal. A few others have said they want to hang out with me more because they feel I have things to say that speak to them. I'm flattered and blessed by that, but I have to have lots of "down time" away from people to recharge this ailing body -- more on that at some point, I'm sure -- so I thought this could help me "hang out" with friends, old and new, in some way.

Please know I don't expect this blog to always be serious. I will share recipes, jokes, funny things I see on bumper stickers, signs, and on Facebook; I love to take a light-hearted view of things, at least some of the time. But I also intend to write about serious matters of the heart...specifically MY heart. I'm a complete "F" on the Myers-Briggs, yet I also seem to have some amount of intellect which causes the bit of "T" to rise up and say, "Hey! Don't forget about me!!" I do think a lot...probably too much sometimes. The point I'm trying to make is that this blog is going to be a stew pot of many things, just as I am. I find I hold many things in tension; perhaps blogging will be a way to release some of that tension. Speaking of releasing tension, this will most likely NOT be a cuss-free zone, so be prepared for the occasional f-bomb when I feel it's necessary. However, you do have my word I will NEVER take the Lord's name in vain. (And while I'm a self-professed grammar geek, I know I overuse quotation marks and asterisks to help emphasize things, and I'm an ellipsis junkie...sorry!)

So...welcome fellow pilgrims on the upward/outward/inward journeys! Welcome to those who might be interested in getting on board; welcome friends, old and new...welcome to the magic that is me!! (And I welcome comments, but I ask that they be respectful and gentle. No flame throwers, please.)

I look forward to whatever this may bring.

On the journeys,

Nina