Pressing on with a Limp

I am having to learn -- AGAIN -- that the cost of staying silent for too long is far greater than the cost of speaking up in the moment. I have let fear rule me so much of my life. I quake in my boots when needing to speak up and then so much of the time I don't speak at all, or speak only half of what needs to be said and then it doesn't make sense, or isn't heard. OR... I'll erupt after holding things in for too long. All of the above just causes more pain in the long run. *sigh*

I have had to confess pride because I'm surprised at how unhealed I still am...how much my childhood wounds still affect me...how easily I get gripped with fear and want to flee. I am grateful to have found a few kindred souls who are on the same journey of healing; most people don't understand the terror I feel inside. I know I often come across as a confident, strong woman, but in some arenas I am still a scared little girl.

I don't want to be emotionally crippled anymore. This has been the cry of my heart for the last 17 years, and while there has been some progress, I am a long way from being where I want to be.

Sometimes I wonder if this will be the "thorn in my flesh" until Heaven. I don't know. I do know I'm growing, thanks be to God, but I still walk with a very big limp in this area.

What comes to mind as I process these things is this:

"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead.

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." -- Phillipians 3:10-14

Amen and amen.