Good Grief

(warning....f-bomb at the end)

My husband lost a very good friend this week. He was my friend, too, though Glenn knew Steve far longer than I did...since they were in high school.

I have some very fond memories of Steve; the ones I think of the most are from almost 10 years ago when he helped me plan Glenn's 40th birthday party. We had so much fun "scheming" various ideas and he was my cheerleader, rejoicing with each new thing I was able to plan. Bit by bit things came together, the party was a smashing success -- a romp through Medieval/Renaissance days, one of the highlights being "If Dr. Suess wrote Hamlet" -- and I owe much of that to Steve. I was so glad he was able to come share that day with us, and to celebrate Glenn, and their life-long friendship.

Now Steve is gone, and we are grieving. Glenn posted some wonderful pictures of Steve and expressed some of his grief on his Facebook page; I have been so blessed by the outpouring of love that has been shown to Glenn. Most people are compassionate and understand that grieving is good, and an important part of the circle of life.

And yet... *heavy sigh*

...someone had the audacity to tell me we shouldn't grieve, because Steve lived a life that led to his death. Instead, we should be "happy" because Steve got what he wanted and that instead of grieving, we should work to ensure that other people don't make the same choices. My stomach is still turning. Is this how Jesus would come alongside someone who lost a friend? I THINK NOT.

I am beyond angry; I am furious. Our grief is because we loved Steve, because he was a good friend, because he meant something to us. That he made life choices we might not agree with does not remove our love nor our grief. (Perhaps it even increases our grief!) To imply that someone isn't worth grieving because they weren't following Jesus just makes me sick.

Last I checked, we are to mourn with those who mourn...to weep with those who weep. If you can't do that, then please keep your f***ing Pharisaical thoughts to yourself.

More-Fun-than-Anyone-Should-Be-Allowed-to Have Day!!!

WOW. Wow. wow. WOW-FREAKING-Wow. I don't remember when I've had this much fun packed into one day. It's been a looooong time, that's for sure.

Right now it's 1 a.m. and I'm awake and wired and processing all that this day has been. It started with Chrissy making me wonderful coffee (very close to as good as Glenn's!!) and then we drove to Mesa and had afternoon tea for our lunch at the most wonderful little place called the Front Porch Tea Cafe (they have a group here on FB...I just became a fan!). This place isn't over-the-top frilly like some tea places, but girly enough for the two of us for our "getaway!" Lovely murals and trompe l'oeil paintings on the walls...will post pics soon. Fun little shop with all sorts of things. I bought a pair of earrings and Chrissy and I each bought new purses. I know...at a tea shop? Well, they had all kinds of cool stuff. I also got a little purple dish in the shape of a butterfly for which to put my tea bag when I make a cup of tea. It was so much fun to linger and not feel rushed. We had a blast. The women who run the place are so friendly and warm. Turns out they've only been open 6 months; we wish them all the success in the world. I hope I can come back soon.

We then drove to our hotel which is a Best Western/Innsuites. Unfortunately they did not have an elevator, so we gimpy gals with bad knees trudged up the stairs, with the help of one of the hotel staff, luggage in tow...only to find that our keys didn't work. After several tries, a maintenance person was called and he did a bunch of various maintenance-y things and finally fixed our door and lock. It had something to do with the adjacent window; at that point we didn't care, we were just glad to get it fixed as we were tired and hot and just wanted to get into our room!

It was well worth the wait as the suite is HUGE. It has a bedroom with two comfy queen-sized beds (the pillows are amazing, too...and are available for purchase, which is tempting), a TV, fridge and microwave, and a full bathroom...the other room is a living room with a pull-out couch and chair, desk, breakfast bar, TV, and ANOTHER full bathroom...so we each get our own bathroom and showerl Very cool. And a full breakfast is included. All this for $75 a night. I LOVE the summer deals in Phoenix.

We unpacked and relaxed for awhile before heading to dinner at Chino Bandido, a place I'd seen on "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives." Guy Fieri KNOWS...this place had incredible food. It was definitely on the "dive" side of things, but OMg...the FOOD! The "diablo chicken" was some of the best food I've eaten in ages. I will drive back to Phoenix with anyone to eat that again. I loved the mix of Chinese, Mexican and Caribbean cuisines. You can make your own combo plate out of the various dishes, so there are a zillion options. We both loved our dinners and had fun taking pictures next to the large autographed photo of Mr. Fieri himself.

The drive to the arena was easy as we were past the rush hour traffic. We got to the parking lot with 10 minutes to spare and started walking fast, as we were parked quite far from the entrance. About a minute into the walk, I gasped and realized I'd left the tickets in the car!!!! The adventure really began as we dashed (as much as I can dash these days) back to where we swore our car was parked...only it wasn't. And we couldn't even find the row number we had memorized in order to find our car after the concert. Suddenly we felt like we were in the middle of an episode of "The Twilight Zone" and kept racing around, trying to find the car, and the clock was ticking! FINALLY things became clear, we found the car and the tickets and then had to dash even faster. The adrenaline rush prevented my leg from hurting too much, and we made it to our seats at 7:40 p.m. Fortunately, they didn't start the concert until 7:45, so we breathed a huge sigh of relief, and relaxed and got ready for the show to begin. We kept laughing the whole time assuring ourselves that it didn't matter if we were late, it was all part of the adventure. But I was soooo glad we didn't miss a single note.

I don't even know what to say about the concert itself. I could use all sorts of superlatives, but they wouldn't begin to express what it was like. It was more than just loving the songs and the music. It was seeing 2 old-ish people (Carole is 68 and James is 62) doing what they absolutely love to do, with all the passion and gusto and joy that was humanly possible. I loved seeing the gifts God gave them displayed in so many ways. And it went deep into my soul that if they can do it, so can I. I don't have to give up just yet. I don't know what my future is going to hold regarding music, singing, worship-leading, etc...I just know, now more than ever, that it's not over, even if I only sing for myself and God. I had expressed that before, but it went deeper into me this evening, listening to Carole King belt things out from her gut, not always hitting the notes perfectly, but with a passion and joy that was far more important than perfection. That's what I've always loved about her -- her rawness and lack of shame or self-consciousness. It's what inspired me when I was 14, and it's obviously inspiring me still. And James!!! Oh what a gentle soul, and so talented...the music came out of him so easily, like breathing. While Carole had abundant energy, James was laid-back and his fingers did the talking on that guitar. And the two of them together balanced each other so beautifully, both musically and relationally. They are so obviously good friends, deep friends, after all these years. The love between them was so sweet.

The collaboration of the entire band/team was so wonderful, too...it brought tears to my eyes, remembering how I felt when the worship team and I were preparing for a special celebration service and I took a moment to thank them for making my dreams come true...to have a band that I'd worked with for awhile, to make music together, to front a "rock band"...to play and sing for Jesus with like-minded people. It was such a glorious experience for me (this was a little over a year ago) and I really really miss it. As I watched the band play tonight -- they're the original band/team from James and Carole's first concert together 40 years ago -- I felt a stirring and longing to be part of something like that again. Not sure of the context -- in the church or out (or both?!) -- but I do think I'm made to make music with people, to sing with others, to harmonize, and to laugh and create and relate with others who love to do what I do. I will continue to pray for guidance and clarity about when and where and how...it's all in His hands, and I trust Him.

So....obviously this concert went waayyyy beyond the singers and the songs for me. Though the songs were fabulous, of course. All of the hits and a few others. The entire evening ended with one of my very favorites...a "foundational" song for me as it was one of the very first songs I learned on the guitar..."Close Your Eyes." It's also a lullabye we sang to our boys when they were babies, so it's a very special song in many ways. What a way to end the evening.

Chrissy and I took some time to sit and let things sink in. Then we left, and managed to find the car (!!) and drove back to the hotel. I had to call Glenn and tell him all about it, and he then gave me the wonderful news that he'd bought tickets for us for the Anaheim concert in July! It's Carole and James's final show in the U.S. (on this tour, anyway). I am sooo excited to know I'll be seeing them again, and this time with my spouse. That's going to be so special. You could have knocked me over with a feather!!! My husband is the best!!!

When Chrissy and I got back to the hotel, we realized we were hungry so we ordered a pizza! Got in our jammies and ate pizza and talked and talked. I felt like I was in college again! So much fun to talk and laugh and share...fun things, serious things, fluffy things, deep things. I am so grateful for this wonderful friend who has walked with me through thick and thin, and who I know will be a friend for life....just like Carole and James. :)

So I am now ready to put my head on one of those comfy pillows and drift off to dreamland. We have no specific plans for tomorrow...truly a vacation day for me...to sleep in and just see how the day unfolds.

Thanks for going on this journey with me/us!

Hi, I'm Nina, and I'm a Perfectionist

Part of "the magic that is me" is that I'm a recovering perfectionist. You'd never know it from the clutter in my room and my apartment...perhaps that's the "recovering" part. :)

This week my perfectionism reared its head in two ways. The first was with the blog. After I posted the first post, I kept reading it, and editing it, and changing it. The curse of having worked for a magazine? Maybe. I also think I didn't want something "out there" of mine to be not written well. And that's OK, to a point. But somewhere along the way -- on the tenth reading perhaps? -- I realized I was obsessing and needed to LET IT GO. So I did. But watching myself go over everything with a fine-tooth comb over and over again made me realize that I'm not as far along in my recovery as I'd like. Praying for progress. Maybe I'll only read this one five times.

The other scenario where perfectionism rose up was about a gathering I'm having today for a friend who's visiting from another state. She's one of my closest friends, who has been a rock for me during the past *very* turbulent nine months (more on that along the way, I'm sure), and I really wanted to put together something special for her. I had envisioned trays of assorted tea sandwiches, scones, tarts, a big cake, etc...a veritable plethora (I LOVE that phrase) of homemade "high tea" goodies. I was going to decorate the party room with lots of flowers and balloons. My inner Martha Stewart was coming out and I was looking forward to this opportunity to shine as a hostess, as that is also part of who I am (and I must credit my mother for that!). I love to cook, to entertain, to gather people and watch everyone eat and have fun. And I haven't hostessed a gathering in a looong time.

I'd like to know who first said, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans" because life most certainly happened. I can hardly stand or walk...something is wrong with my right hip/leg/knee/ankle, perhaps all rooted in a pinched nerve in my lower back; I won't know until I see a chiropractor on Tuesday. The point is that the plans of standing in my kitchen for hours, cooking and preparing a lavish afternoon tea, had to go flying out the window. I couldn't even do the grocery shopping for the party (I thank my sweet spouse for doing that!). Platters from Subway and lots of yummy goodies from Trader Joe's will have to suffice. Now I *know* this is no big deal. At least my left brain knows this. My right brain, the emotional side of me, was sad and mad at my body, and felt really disappointed that I couldn't do the thing I wanted to do to bless my friend. And I started obsessing again, trying to think of ways I could maybe make a couple of things. Then I stood up and tried to walk to my cookbook shelf and reality set in.

So I decided to listen to my friend instead of the tapes in my head. She is blessed to be here. She is blessed to have a gathering at all. While homemade food would have been lovely, she cares more about my health than that, and the party is about friends, not food. She knows I can cook, I don't have to prove that to her or anyone else. Ah yes...see there it is again...PRIDE. Mixed in with the healthy enjoyment of doing what I love to do is also pride that says it has to be done that way or it's somehow "less than." I just felt God's gentle, padded 2x4 whack me upside the head.

So...this blog won't be perfect, the party won't be perfect...LIFE will NEVER be perfect. I'm OK with that. Really.

Well, mostly.

I'm still in recovery.

I Have a Blog! Now What? (So What?)

First, the name of this blog. Terry Wardle -- a man I greatly admire and whose ministry has radically changed my life over the past couple of years -- speaks about how we need to be on three simultaneous journeys: upward to God, outward to others, and inward to ourselves. When he said that, I saw an image of a triangle in a wheel...and when all three sides of the triangle were "firing," the wheel moved forward. When even one side of the triangle wasn't "on," the wheel was still. What I took away from this is that in order to move FORWARD (some might prefer the word "onward") I need to constantly be moving upward, outward and inward, otherwise I will get stuck and stagnant.

This has been very profound and revelatory in my life. I regularly check in with myself...am I engaging with God (upward), with others (outward) and with myself (inward)? (And inward can also mean engaging with God since He lives in me! I'm sure I'll talk about that somewhere down the road.)

So when I sat in front of the screen that asked me to name this blog, it took me awhile to settle on the title. After all, I'm "into" many things...Jesus, my family, friends, food, cooking, restaurants, music, singing, worship, the ocean, travel, Paris, books, all things French, chocolate, formational prayer, counseling, "inner healing," relationships, movies...did I say food? But they all fall somewhere along the upward/outward/inward journeys. Everything I do...all of my passions...all of my longings, thoughts, feelings, opinions...all fall somewhere along that triangle. It is all part of "the magic that is me," which is one of my favorite quotes from "Frasier." Musing on all of that gave me my title. It might be cumbersome, but so am I. :)

We'll see where this blog takes me...and us...if there is an "us" at all! I have no idea who would want to regularly read my musings. I just know I need some kind of outlet for the zillions of things that swirl around in my head and heart...and Facebook is not the place for it all. A few people in my life have said I need to write, and not just in my journal. A few others have said they want to hang out with me more because they feel I have things to say that speak to them. I'm flattered and blessed by that, but I have to have lots of "down time" away from people to recharge this ailing body -- more on that at some point, I'm sure -- so I thought this could help me "hang out" with friends, old and new, in some way.

Please know I don't expect this blog to always be serious. I will share recipes, jokes, funny things I see on bumper stickers, signs, and on Facebook; I love to take a light-hearted view of things, at least some of the time. But I also intend to write about serious matters of the heart...specifically MY heart. I'm a complete "F" on the Myers-Briggs, yet I also seem to have some amount of intellect which causes the bit of "T" to rise up and say, "Hey! Don't forget about me!!" I do think a lot...probably too much sometimes. The point I'm trying to make is that this blog is going to be a stew pot of many things, just as I am. I find I hold many things in tension; perhaps blogging will be a way to release some of that tension. Speaking of releasing tension, this will most likely NOT be a cuss-free zone, so be prepared for the occasional f-bomb when I feel it's necessary. However, you do have my word I will NEVER take the Lord's name in vain. (And while I'm a self-professed grammar geek, I know I overuse quotation marks and asterisks to help emphasize things, and I'm an ellipsis junkie...sorry!)

So...welcome fellow pilgrims on the upward/outward/inward journeys! Welcome to those who might be interested in getting on board; welcome friends, old and new...welcome to the magic that is me!! (And I welcome comments, but I ask that they be respectful and gentle. No flame throwers, please.)

I look forward to whatever this may bring.

On the journeys,

Nina