Surrender

growing up, giving up
dying, dying
honestly, Lord
sometimes i don't feel like trying
anymore, but You beckon
and i come, crying
'cause the right thing feels wrong
and the wrong thing feels right
guess that's why
i must walk by faith
and not by sight
not living by feelings
but on what i know to be true
not living for me
but living for You
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"Put your hands up in the air!" How many times have I seen that on various police/detective shows? The lifting of one's hands demonstrates complete submission to whatever authority is present, relinquishing control to that authority, no matter the circumstances. I'm grateful God doesn't shout angrily at me to surrender, but life with Him does come with that command, doesn't it? And yet, obeying His commands is always a choice. He loves me enough to not wave a gun at me, but to give me free will to choose to trust that He knows what's best.

I love raising my hands in worship. When my shoulders aren't hurting, I love to raise my hands high. Often I am doing this as a child raises her arms to her Daddy, but more often I am raising my hands in worship as an act of surrender: not my will, Lord, but Yours; You are God and I'm not; You are in control; I give You control in this moment, again, of everything in my life...the good, the bad, the ugly, the pain, the joys, the struggles...EVERYTHING.

This past year has been a season of deepening surrender; I've had to let go of things I never even imagined I'd have to consider giving up: my marriage -- which would have been quite enough, thank you. But wait! There's more!; a childhood friend who came back into my life at precisely the wrong time; the church family I have loved and have been part of for the past nine years; the two ministries which allowed me to operate in my gifts, calling and passions; my health (which seems to be getting progressively worse); my adult children, especially my younger son who has found his calling far away in Australia; one of my best friends who is moving away to another state. Needless to say, I am feeling completely stripped on all fronts.

So far the only thing that is being given back to me is my marriage, and that is HUGE and wonderful and I am very grateful for what God did and continues to do in our lives. Yet even that needs daily surrendering to God's plan and will. It took so much for me to fully let go of it, and it has taken an equal amount of surrendering for me to completely grab hold of it again.

But what the Lord is ultimately asking of me is to grab hold of HIM completely, and to trust HIM completely. To fix my eyes on HIM and not my circumstances, and to take things as they come, one day at a time. To bring Him whatever pain I am feeling and be honest with Him about it, and yet not let it rule me or define me.

I wish I could say this has been easy. Instead, it's been a constant slogging in my soul, and I am weary; exhausted is more like it. But below that is peace. And assurance. And deep trust that He is working all things together for good and for His purposes. I can't see it yet, but that's OK. Hence, walking by faith and not by sight...with His Word a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

When someone asks the ubiquitous question, "How are you?" I am never really sure what to say. I guess the most honest answer would be, "Surrendered."