The Healing Hand of God

Over the past couple of years, one of my relationships -- a key one -- had turned sour. There were conflicts and misunderstandings so deep and painful that a few months ago we went to a counseling session to try to sort it out. I wasn't sure at the end of that evening if any real progress had been made. A lot of harsh things were said on both sides, some quite ugly. I was counseled -- not by my counselor, but by an associate pastor in town -- to "wash my hands" of the situation and move on with my life.

But that didn't sit right with me. I had too much history with this person and their family. This was a bridge I didn't want to burn because to do so would also mean burning bridges with my church family, and I couldn't do that. But everything was messy and complicated and confusing.

So I prayed. A lot. And others prayed for me. A lot.

Slowly God made things clear. Forgive....completely and totally. Total Forgiveness by R. T. Kendall was an enormous help. (Thanks, Chrissy, for recommending it!) It explained in a fresh way what forgiveness is and what it isn't. The biggest nugget I took away from the book was that real forgiveness always involves some amount of suffering and sacrifice. I was suffering already, but did I want to make the sacrifice which might cause me to feel even greater suffering? To really let go of my pride and my need to be right? To not be able to hash through the minutiae of everything and come to some kind of resolution? In the past, I would have called that "sweeping things under the rug" which my family of origin did far too often. But I came to see that sometimes sweeping isn't unhealthy, as long as I sweep it all into the hands of God...sweep the mess to the foot of the cross and let it go. What I needed to "wash my hands of" wasn't the person or the relationship, but the hurt and pain caused therein. And to forgive the wrongs done to me and my family...and to know I was completely forgiven by God for the wrongs I had done (which were many), even if they couldn't forgive me and the relationship couldn't be reconciled. To do this required much weeping; much letting go and with NO guarantee of change...no guarantee that the relationship would be healed. But what was guaranteed was that *I* would come away changed, healed of bitterness and resentment, and be closer to God and conformed more closely to the image of His Son. That's what I want...always. More than anything. So it was a choice to press in. And to let go.

Rereading Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard (the last time I read it was 27 years ago!) reminded me that the journey up the mountain requires traveling with the companions of Sorrow and Suffering...and a winding path which often doesn't make sense...and a deep trust that joy will come after mourning.

God, in His infinite kindness and mercy, provided some situations where I was able to reach out in love to this person and their family. At the Christmas Eve service I felt the years of pain begin to wash away as I cried and remembered all the love and care, working hard together and sharing fun times; there were a lot of good memories. I didn't want my 9+ years here in Tucson to be defined by the worst season...I didn't want my relationship with this person and their family to be defined by the worst things we said and did. So God began to provide some new memories -- a smile here, a hug there, a little chat now and then. Slowly the Lord lifted me out of the mire and put my feet on a rock and a new song in my heart. And I knew that I wanted to leave Tucson with my heart full of love for this person.

All I can say is GOD DID IT! and beyond what I could ask for or imagine. Not only has there been forgiveness on my side, but on theirs. Even with the harsh things I said out of hurt and anger, they were able to forgive me and move toward me to reconcile. It hit me yesterday when we were sharing a piece of pie and drinking our iced mochas (their treat!), that I was in the midst of Kingdom work. Jesus had done something big...two people with a lot of wounds (both of us have family histories of abandonment) were able to come together and hold hands for a minute and say, "We're OK." And talk about good times...and the future. To express compassion for hard things we've been going through. And I knew in those moments that it wasn't about sweeping anything under the rug -- it was that we had each made a choice to move forward because of the love of Christ and our love for one another.

Honestly, I've never experienced this before...not with pain that deep, and certainly not with my family of origin. When things get/got ugly and too painful, my family's "M.O." is to abandon, to cut people off, to turn their backs and to blame, blame, blame. To have this person sit before me and tell me, "We're fine" and mean it was one of the most healing moments ever.

What I haven't shared yet, is this coffee time came on the heels of this person and me taking Communion together on Sunday...which may have been the best moment of all. To pray for one another and share the body and blood of Christ together was incredibly powerful. No sin is too great for God to forgive. And because of that, no sin is too great for us to forgive, if we do it through Jesus and not on our own strength. To hear them say to me, "Nina, you are family, you will always be family" was a healing balm that went straight to the core of the pain I carry, not having a "real" family who is willing/able to deal with the messiness of life.

And family sure as heck can be messy. And really painful. Words turn ugly. Anger spews forth like venom. But in a good family, a family who is committed to loving one another no matter what, forgiveness comes. Nothing makes you "not family"...EVER. As I said, I don't have that experience in my "natural" family. But the Lord has given me that gift in HIS Family. And these recent experiences have planted something very deep in my soul that I will carry with me into the next chapter of my life, wherever that takes me.

"I have seen the healing hand of God

Reaching out and mending broken hearts

Taste and see the fullness of His peace

And hold on to what's being held out

The healing hand of God."

-Jeremy Camp

(You can hear the song HERE.)