Satisfaction Not Guaranteed

It's been an interesting season on this upward/outward/inward road. I have been living with a friend for the past seven weeks, trying to sort through some important issues -- what do I really believe about life, and marriage, and God, and what is He asking of me? Where is my life going? When should I start pursuing my studies to fulfill the call of inner healing prayer therapy (aka "Formational Counseling") that I believe I am to do? That means grad school with a possible Ph.D. program after whatever Masters degree I earn; it means years of study and lots of money spent with no guarantee of any financial return.

Aye, there's the rub --  no guarantee. That's been a constant theme in my thoughts these past weeks. The ONLY guarantee in life is that God loves me and will always be with me. It's not that I didn't know this before...but there are different levels of "knowing" and it seems I needed this truth to sink deeper into the marrow of my soul.  

A friend once said to me, "The universe doesn't owe us anything." While I bristle at the New Age-y language there, I agree with the sentiment. The CREATOR of the universe -- the triune God of the Scriptures to whom I have devoted my life -- doesn't owe me a thing. Not one blessed thing. I'm not owed happiness. I'm not owed satisfaction in a meaningful job or ministry, or good health, or a close circle of friends, or a healed marriage.  If I learned anything from immersing myself in the Cross of Christ during Lent it is that *I * owe ***GOD*** EVERYTHING!   As Matt Redman so beautifully wrote, "You deserve my every breath for You paid the great cost, giving up Your life to death, even death on a cross."

My main focus/question has been, "How do I offer up my life in this season?" I've been slowly getting answers through silence and solitude, through the counsel of wise pastors and friends, through therapy, through prayer, through worship, through the Word.

The main answer I've received is to be open-handed. I've begun to see how I have been clutching onto things for a long time while not even realizing it. Sometimes I need a whack upside the head for me to see what's going on in my own soul. I've experienced a lot of loss over the past couple of years, and I thought I'd been pretty faithful in surrendering, but I have been realizing afresh how surrender has layers, too. I can think/feel that I've "surrendered all" but it turns out maybe it was only the top few layers of "all." Humbling and sobering to realize how much I still don't know...how much I still need to learn about what it means to follow Jesus with my whole being. And I don't ever want to stop learning!

So I come to prayer and worship with open hands...I come to my LIFE with open hands. The only thing I'm clinging to is Christ Himself. Everything else is up for grabs. My favorite prayer, "Have Your way, Lord," has taken on a richer and deeper meaning as I let go of ideals, dreams, notions of "the way things should be" and just allow life to unfold, knowing the Lord is beside me every step of the way. Actually, the picture He gave me was of Him strapped in beside me on the roller coaster of life. I was asking Him to let me off the ride, and instead He showed me that we're buckled in together. Alrighty then. Bring it on.

The amazing thing is that I have so much peace and more hope than I've felt in a long time. Very grateful for those gifts!

So this weekend I'm moving back home. Other steps are researching grad schools and grants and scholarships; working with a life coach; continuing the search for a part-time job; individual and couples' therapy; and of course continuing to be plugged into my amazing church community and staying connected with my wise and wonderful friends.

Open-handed, of course...with no guarantees.