Just Call Me Linus

About a month ago, I was at a Brookstone store and found a blanket that was probably the softest thing I'd felt in a long, long time. I'm a very tactile person who loves the feel of different textures, especially soft, cuddly ones. I am a pillow hugger -- just ask my counselor...I walk into her office, plop on the couch and grab a pillow to hug every single time -- and at 49 years of age I am not ashamed to say I have a stuffed lamb that I hold tightly in times of emotional pain, crisis and/or when I'm praying about hard stuff.

Agnus Dei, qui tolis peccata mundi, miserere nobis...dona nobis pacem.

Anyway, the blanket at Brookstone was dark brown and as soon as I put my fingers on it, I had the most visceral memory of being about five years old and rubbing my hands up and down my mother's full-length sable coat. I almost burst into tears. I kept rubbing the fabric, maybe subconsciously hoping a genie would appear and solve everything. I left the store without buying the blanket (a bit pricey for the budget at the moment) and made a mental note to put it on my birthday list (August 30, fyi).

Fast forward to now...I've been having some wonderful talks with my father-in-law, Harv (aka Pop) over the past couple of days. (I'm at my in-laws' house for 10 days to help out during my mother-in-law's recovery from knee replacement surgery; she comes home from the hospital tomorrow...hurray!) Somewhere in the midst, I told Pop the story about the blanket. We were at a mall today (he took me to a lovely lunch at Nordstrom's!) and he says, "Ann and I have a tradition that before we leave this mall we always have to go take a look at Brookstone." I said, "Great! That means I can probably touch that blanket again!" without thinking for a minute that this was some kind of ruse. After all, Brookstone is a very cool store, and they always have new and interesting things to look at.

So we go into the store, and I make a beeline for that blanket. "There it is!" And it was the same as before...dark brown, soft as sable, and made me think of my mother, who hasn't spoken to me (nor I to her) in over five years. (Long, painful story.) Pop asked the clerk how much they cost, and I sighed wistfully and said "I need to put this on my birthday list" and the next thing I know, he's picked one up and tells me he's going to get me an early birthday present. I was so overwhelmed by his kindness; never one to be shy about expressing myself, I threw my arms around him and kissed him right in the middle of the store. It was only later, at the hospital when I was recounting all of this to Ann (aka Mom), that Pop fessed up and told me he'd been plotting this as soon as I'd told him the story.

I love surprises (good ones, anyway). I am so grateful for what Pop did; I feel delighted, blessed, and really loved. And also a bit trepidatious, because I know what I know, and I can't not know it: some hard inner work lies ahead for me with that blanket. I'm going to have to hold onto it tightly while it brings up stuff I'm not sure I'm quite ready to deal with. However, God's timing is always impeccable, and I trust Him. And I will wait. (See previous blog post.)

But I need to say this, and I have a lump in my throat as I do:

I miss my mother.

(to be continued...)

I'm Nina and I'll be Your Wait-er...

I had a complete breakdown at the end of church yesterday. (Grateful it's the kind of place where one can sob and no one thinks anything of it...in the best sense). Grabbed a trustworthy, kindred soul to pray for me. Her words were so life-giving...I cried even harder. In the midst of pain, love pierced the heart and brought even more tears. Cleansing. Freeing.

We really do need each other, to speak those "words in season," be they soft or tough. Yesterday seemed to be a time for soft...ointment to my soul...affirming who God made me to be, rekindling the longings of my heart and beginning to stir vision for the future.

Then today, in Beth Moore's study on Esther, I came upon this question: "Has a negative event or a near-eternal wait made you lose hope about something important to you? Do you have any natural reasons to think that whatever your 'once upon a time' might have been, it can never be now?" I wrote "*gulp*" in response.

But I've been here before; I know the drill. Wait. Stay present. Wait. Lament. Wait. Trust. Wait. Long. Wait. Rest. Wait. Wait. Wait...

"Those that wait [hope, trust] on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Best Veggie Dish Ever!

Made this for dinner tonight; it's now my favorite thing! I used sweet potatoes instead of regular ones; the spices go beautifully with the sweetness.

Indian Spiced Cauliflower and Potatoes
1 (1 3/4-lb) head cauliflower, cut into 3/4-inch-wide florets
1 1/4 lb Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
5 tablespoons vegetable oil, divided
1/2 teaspoon cumin seeds
3/4 teaspoon salt, divided
1 medium onion, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
2 teaspoons minced fresh jalapeño, including seeds
2 teaspoons minced peeled fresh ginger
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
1/4 teaspoon turmeric
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/2 cup water

Put oven rack in upper third of oven and place a shallow baking pan on rack. Heat oven to 475°F.

Toss cauliflower and potatoes together in a bowl with 3 tablespoons oil, cumin seeds, and 1/4 teaspoon salt. Spread in hot baking pan and roast, stirring occasionally, until cauliflower is tender and browned in spots and potatoes are just tender, about 20 minutes.

While vegetables are roasting, cook onion, garlic, jalapeño, and ginger in remaining 2 tablespoons oil in a 12-inch heavy skillet over moderate heat, stirring frequently, until very soft and beginning to turn golden, 8 to 10 minutes. Add ground cumin, coriander, turmeric, cayenne, and remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt and cook, stirring constantly, 2 minutes. Stir in water, scraping up any brown bits from bottom of skillet, then stir in roasted vegetables. Cook, covered, stirring occasionally, 5 minutes.

D'accord...

A view from Great Brittain:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/us-politics/8262152/Gabrielle-Giffords-shooting-Why-it-is-time-to-change-gun-laws.html

Well done!

Stepping over Our Wounds

"Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on." --Henri Nouwen

Definitely part of the upward/outward/inward journey. Feel the feelings, process, then let go. Easier said than done, though. Some things require a lifetime of daily surrender. But that's OK. After all, His mercies are new every morning.

Thoughts: the Afternoon After

"... if My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." -- 2 Chronicles 7:14

This morning's service at Vineyard City Church was different from last night at Pantano, but equally compelling. I very much appreciate how our pastor, Gary Stokes, spoke directly to our hearts and our lives about how the church at large has contributed to the atmosphere of hatred and violence in this nation. People say all kinds of things in the name of Jesus...and it has to stop. Opinion is fine, but verbal attacks on individuals and groups must come to an end. We've got to find a way to be bold without hatred; firm in our stances while also listening and coming alongside others.

I also love how he boldly reminded us that the ONLY government that matters (and can do anything about the world's problems) is the Kingdom which is ruled by a King who wasn't elected. And following THAT King is what is going to heal our land. Those of us who are Jesus-followers need to put His Kingdom first, and be in the world and not of it.

How do we do this? One way is by how we forgive others. I just finished reading "Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall, and he said that Christians need first and foremost to practice complete forgiveness, and THAT is what is going to draw people to Jesus. That's the main way we can show love to one another... by forgiving offenses, not seeking vengeance (and that is often a heart thing), and trusting God for HIS justice in HIS timing. Far easier to forgive someone for hurting our feelings than for shooting someone dead...but who said following Jesus was supposed to be easy?

This is NOT that we turn a blind eye to sin, injustice, violence, etc. NOT AT ALL. But it does mean we approach it in a different way. Here's an example:

Yesterday John McCain declared Jared Loughner (the shooter; he does have a name) "a disgrace to Arizona, this country and the human race, and [deserves] and will receive the contempt of all decent people." Really? Well I've got some news for Sen. McCain. Jared Loughner is receiving prayers from Christians all over the world who know they are capable of any sin at any time...and that Jesus would want Jared and his family to come to know Him...to not be discarded as waste. People are weeping over ALL that happened yesterday, including the grief Jared's family must be going through. It's wonderful rhetoric, Senator McCain, to stir people to contempt, but what you fail to realize is that it ONLY ADDS TO THE PROBLEM. Let's hate the shooter. Let's hate anyone who commits crime. Let's hate anyone who kills someone. Let's hate them enough to kill them, too. When does it end?

Do we feel these things?? OF COURSE! I appreciated Gary's honesty in expressing how angry he felt while listening to the rhetoric on the radio yesterday. FEELING outrage, anger, the longing for justice, etc. is fine. Expressing it to God is not only good, it's necessary. (Has anyone read the Psalms where David cries out for all manner of vengeance? Hello?) But it is a far, far different thing to put that hatred "out there" on the airwaves, on the internet. Are we spreading our anger and hatred, or are we spreading concern and compassion? Are we asking how we can help? Or are we just spewing more poison into the mix?

I've seen "friends" on Facebook say horrible things to each other, all in the name of Jesus. The quest for holiness and righteousness CANNOT have any hatred attached to it. That's a complete oxymoron. "Let me spew hate at you so you will become more righteous like me." I don't think so.

But we do it all the time, in various ways and to varying degrees...don't we? Church, in my opinion, it's time for us to once again look in the mirror and deal with the plank sticking out of our eye.

Forgive us, Father, for we know not what we do. I would add to that, please show us what we do so we can repent and turn from our wicked ways.

Ramblings at the End of a Day of (Local) Tragedy

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." - 2Cor. 1:3-4

The eyes of the nation, and perhaps the world, are on Tucson today. Our city experienced what far-too-many cities across this land have experienced in recent years -- a kid with a gun, firing into a crowd, killing and wounding too many people. (One is too many.)

The internet was filled with false reporting (including CNN and MSNBC); I was thankful for a local station that ran live, streaming, *accurate* coverage. I was able to breathe a bit easier when KOLD confirmed Congressman Gabrielle Giffords (known affectionately in these parts as "Gabby") was NOT dead, had survived her surgery, and that the docs were "optimistic about her recovery." A bullet through the brain...one has to wonder what kind of recovery there will be...nonetheless, it was good news for the moment and I think the entire city exhaled at the same time.

Relief only lasted a moment, though. A 9-year-old child was one of the dead...one of the six (so far) whose lives ended today. Unimaginable grief for those parents...and for all the families who lost a loved one today. There are no words.

I went to church tonight; I knew I needed to worship the God of all comfort, who is grieving with us, and I wanted to worship in community. Pantano Christian Church's service this evening couldn't have been more appropriate. A big shout-out to them for switching up the service, scrapping the original plans, and allowing a central place for what was on everyone's minds anyway. The Senior Pastor, Glen Elliot, shared from the Word and his heart on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (see above). We who have received such comfort from God, need to be comfort to our community; sometimes that will mean just listening and giving a hug. Other times it will mean sharing deeply from our hearts. God will show each of us how to be a comfort to people in our city.

The extended time of prayer was powerful. Glen invited us to take whatever posture would help us draw close to the Lord; I had one of the front pews all to myself, so I laid face-down on it as Glen led us to pray for different situations. I loved that it wasn't just us agreeing with whatever he prayed; he would mention something and then give us time to pour out our hearts to God. We prayed for those clinging to life; we prayed for the families who had lost loved ones; we prayed for Gabby; we prayed for our city. And then it got gutsy --we prayed for the family of the shooter, and for the shooter himself. I wanted to shout "Amen and hallelujah" because the perpetrators of crime and their families are often forgotten in prayer times like this. I remember reading an interview of the parents of one of the Columbine shooters and they went through hell; they were shunned by their community and very few people reached out to them. But Jesus died for ALL. Jesus is reaching out His hand to ALL involved today. I loved the heart of God expressed by Pastor Glen tonight. Many of us were crying; I loved the heart of God expressed by the body tonight.

The worship time was spot-on. God is worthy of our worship even in the midst of tragedy. To sing "How Great Thou Art" tonight was amazing. Then we sang "He knows my name/He knows my every thought/He sees each tear that falls/And hears me when I call." And then the following:

The Stand

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, O God
Completely to You

I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

(Hear it at www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAQ61KH7qRc)

I was undone. To hear everyone's voices around me with arms raised and tears falling...it was an incredibly moving time of worship.

But wait, there's more. Before Communion, Glen told us that one of the fallen today was a man who had jumped in front of his wife as the shots rang out. The couple was coming out of the Safeway, and the husband did what any man would/should do...and now he is with Jesus and his wife is alive, wounded, but alive. There was a collective gasp in the room as Glen told how this man of God had given his life for his wife; what a poignant way to introduce Communion.

I drove home with both a heavier and a lighter heart. Ah, the both-andness of things. Again. Always.

I have all sorts of other thoughts swirling around my brain -- gun control, for instance... and how every day is a "day of tragedy" somewhere; it just hits harder when it's closer to home -- but I will save those for another time.

I head to bed with heart abandoned, soul surrendered, in awe of the God of all comfort, and praying for those in Tucson who need that comfort the most.