Today was fun, it really was.
Glenn threw a party for my 50th birthday. "Ninapalooza!" :) I was surrounded by family and friends who are near and dear to me. We laughed a lot. We ate yummy grilled meat and an amazing chocolate and lemon layer cake with lemon curd and chocolate ganache (thanks Debbie!). We all enjoyed the sunshine and cool breeze of Alameda, right next to the bay. I was given some wonderful gifts, hand-picked with care. I felt loved. Very loved.
And yet...
...there was a twinge of pain I couldn't shake. The ache of missing loved ones who could not be here today for various reasons -- relatives and dear friends who live too far away; family from whom I'm estranged; a close-as-a-brother friend who died many years ago; a friend who recently bid me a painful farewell. I carry them all in my heart along with the longings -- wishing I could have afforded to fly everyone out here; wondering if there will ever be reconciliation; wishing he hadn't died; wanting a different ending.
Maybe this explains why I love the combination of lemon and chocolate so much.
As the cake was cut today, I was struck by the beauty in the contrast of the yellow and brown layers; the interplay of light and dark. A bite of everything together brought an amazing taste sensation of sweet and sour and bitter; it was far more complex than a "just chocolate" or "just lemon" cake would have been. Just as my mouth savors the complexities of flavors, my heart savors the rich experience of emotional complexities.
So today I embrace the love and the loss, the joy and the pain, the laughter and the tears, the pleasure of what is and the longing for what could be. Not a bad way to usher in the next half-century of my life, eh?
P.S. I'm sure glad there's leftover cake!
