The Beauty of Ouch

I have spent the last 20 years (give or take) learning how to express my negative feelings; you know the ones -- anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, intimidation, etc. For someone who grew up in an emotionally abusive home, this has been quite a wild ride. After discovering I had a voice (dammit) I took far too many liberties with it, mostly at my husband and kids, and I did a lot of damage in the name of my healing. *sigh*

While I certainly made some big strides on this journey, the road was long with many a winding turn. About five years ago, I felt the Lord gently say to me, "Just because you CAN say something, doesn't mean you SHOULD." This was in the context of keeping my mouth shut at women's Bible studies where certainly the world would come to an end if I didn't speak up about certain things. (Ah, don't we love it when He points out spiritual pride?) But I soon realized this word applied to all areas of my life. Thus a new adventure began, of understanding I can CHOOSE not to speak and that doesn't mean someone is oppressing or squelching me. It doesn't mean I've lost my voice; it means I'm gaining some wisdom and discipline to know how to use that voice well. I don't think any of us ever gets this right 100% of the time, but since I came from such a deficit it felt a bit like learning how to walk. There have been times when I stayed silent when it became clear down the road that I should have spoken up, and vice-versa...sometimes about trivial things; sometimes about crucial issues. What a journey.

Somewhere along the way, I discovered the beauty of ouch. It's such a small word; I love how it feels in my mouth. Finding one's ouch is an important thing. What causes me to ouch might not cause you to ouch, and so it helps us understand each other more. Ouch doesn't accuse. It doesn't say, "YOU did this and YOU are bad/wrong/unacceptable." It says, "That hurt/stung/bothered ME." It helps to "keep things in the I" as therapists and communication instructors tell us over and over again.

Sometimes we don't know what to do with ouch. Defenses rise up ("I didn't do anything wrong!") or judgments are made ("You're too sensitive!"). I know I haven't always known what to do with someone else's ouch. Now I understand that one of the most beautiful phrases in the English language is, "I'm sorry that hurt you." This is such a gentle way to come alongside the person you care about and let them know you have heard and respected their ouch. (And if you're in the same room, a hug can be nice, too. At least for me.)

I recently had an exchange with a friend; "I need to say ouch," I said. I explained why. They listened and apologized, explaining what had been going on with them. I listened and forgave. It was over in about two minutes. That's a beautiful thing. Two minutes to avoid walls being built. Two minutes to create safety and freedom. It's a risk to do this, though, isn't it? It takes a leap of faith and humility; when I say ouch, I feel unguarded and vulnerable. However, I know one thing for sure (à la Oprah) -- if I *don't* have those conversations, then those two minutes of unspoken hurt/anger/disappointment will add up to days and years of suppressed feelings which damage my soul and build walls between me and others. It's taken a long time but I think I'm finally getting it through my head and heart that the more I do this, the less riskier it feels, especially in relationships where room and respect for our ouches has been established.

I am grateful for the people in my life who have also discovered the beauty of ouch....who take the risk with me, and who care for me when I do the same. You know who you are.

"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." - 1Peter 3:8

Pardon My Gushing

How do I love thee, Alameda? Let me count the ways, in no particular order:

1) The weather right now is splendiferous. Sunny with clear skies. High 60s to high 70s, depending on the day. Most of the time a lovely, cool breeze. I want to be outside all the time.

2) The water! I'm a mile from a freaking BEACH! Real sand. Small waves. Even a little pier. Sun glistening on the bay...pinch me!

3) It is so quiet here! Glenn thinks it has something to do with all the trees...they seem to absorb the traffic noise even on busier streets. Speaking of which...

4) The trees! The lush lawns! My eyes are still adjusting to all of this green. I hope I never take it for granted.

5) Soooo many beautiful and/or charming homes of various kinds -- Victorians, Dutch Farmhouses, Craftsmen, California Bungalows, even some Cape Cods and Colonials.

6) Hydrangeas!! So many of the aforementioned homes have lovely front yards/gardens; hydrangeas, which are my favorite, abound! And I'm talking big, mature bushes with lots and lots of those big, colorful flower balls.

7) It feels like I'm not in California, but in a small midwestern town. Why?

a) The 25mph speed limit on the Island = slower pace. (90+% of the drivers obey this law.)

b) There are corner markets in every neighborhood.

c) Everyone is friendly; passersby actually make eye contact and smile or say hello.

d) The entire town celebrates the 4th of July in a way I've never seen. Flags are de rigeur, even in CA, but BUNTING? Seeing Victorian homes with bunting carefully draped on porches and under windows...it's something I've only seen in movies/television shows/pictures of the midwest. And the parade here is famous. Which leads me to...

e) This year, one of the groups in the parade, the Hot Pink Feathers, caused quite a stir with their skimpy outfits. You'd think living so close to SF would make everyone jaded, but not here! As the online Alameda Patch newspaper reported, "It was a Mayberry meets Mardi Gras moment" and the town was abuzz, which delights me to no end. It seems there's really a place in CA where underwear is still considered private. (Victoria's Secret be damned!)

8) It's a very dog-loving place. Huge dog park. Dogs are allowed in some stores and on patios of restaurants (what is this, Paris?). And I see people walking their dogs everywhere. Can't wait to join them!

9) The view of the San Francisco skyline across the bay still makes me gasp; it's so beautiful on a clear day. (Today I could see the fog rolling in!) Nighttime brings the city lights and a sparkling Bay Bridge.

10) Speaking of the city...it's so close! 15 minutes by BART, 20 minutes by ferry, 30 minutes by car (or even less when there's no traffic).

11) It's foodie heaven with lots of restaurants of all ethnicities and price ranges. Of course, I want to try them all!

12) There are a couple of "downtown" areas which look like Main Street, USA; even the one that's more upscale.

13) South Shore Center -- a sprawling outdoor mall across the street from, yup, the shore! Includes Trader Joe's, a huge Safeway, Bed Bath & Beyond, Ross, Kohl's, Petco, and lots of restaurants and smaller stores. It's well-landscaped and there are benches under the shady trees for when one needs a rest from shopping.

14) Pagano's Hardware Store! I cannot say enough about this place which is just two blocks from our house. The kitchen section alone is worth a visit.

15) The movie theater..stunning! An old art deco movie palace which was renovated a few years ago at a price tag of over $15 million. Just beautiful. There are eight screens total, but the main cinema is in the big theater.

I'm sure I'll think of more.

A friend said to me today, "You're where you're supposed to be; you're home." Yeah...I really think so.