2012: The Year of Reconciliation?

"One of the hardest things in life is to let go of old hurts. We often say, or at least think: 'What you did to me and my family, my ancestors, or my friends I cannot forget or forgive. ... One day you will have to pay for it.' Sometimes our memories are decades, even centuries, old and keep asking for revenge. Holding people's faults against them often creates an impenetrable wall. But listen to Paul: 'For anyone who is in Christ, there is a new creation: the old order is gone and a new being is there to see. It is all God's work' (2 Corinthians 5:17-18). Indeed, we cannot let go of old hurts, but God can. Paul says: 'God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not holding anyone's fault against them' (2 Corinthians 5:19). It is God's work, but we are God's ministers, because the God who reconciled the world to God entrusted to us 'the message of reconciliation' (2 Corinthians 5:19). This message calls us to let go of old hurts in the Name of God. It is the message our world most needs to hear."

-Henri Nouwen

This quote from Nouwen was in my email box this morning and I've read it several times. I can't think of a more perfect thought to fill my mind and heart as I close out a year and enter a new one. So many of us, myself included, make resolutions or a list of goals for the new year -- lose weight, start exercising; less TV, more fiber -- but how many of us make deeper goals for the new year? Sure, I might add "read the Bible more " to the list, but that's still only scratching the surface.

What if we (and when I say "we" I'm honestly including myself!) were to sit for a moment and ponder the deeper goal of reconciliation? What broken relationships are in our lives that need mending? What offenses do we need to let go of? And not in the "shrug it off" kind of way, but really pouring out the pain at the Lord's feet and then leaving it there? Is there someone we need to write to or call to begin the process of healing? What if we're convinced that it was all THEIR fault? Will we keep digging in our heels, or can we extract ourselves from the cement of stubbornness (which is so often rooted in pride and fear, right?) and reach out across the miles, or across the dinner table, and open the door to new communication?

This all hits very close to home for me. As many of you know, my parents and I suffered a severe rift six years ago, and I have not heard from them since. I've reached out a few times, but to no avail. My attitude over the past few years has been one of resignation, "Oh well, I tried." But God's not letting me off the hook; a New Year's card is sitting on the coffee table, addressed to my parents, ready for a stamp. I've been putting it off, but I know I need to send it. Today. With no expectations, but with faith in the Reconciler...that He knows the pain on both sides and He longs for healing in my family even more than I do.

To be brutally honest, though, sometimes I don't actually want to be reconciled. Aye, there's the rub. It's an ugly truth. I'd rather deal with the twinges of pain on birthdays and holidays than deal with the struggle to maintain relationships with "difficult people." I'd rather settle for an easy peace than the harder work of building bridges. Sloth at it's best...or worst. Lord, have mercy on me.

It struck me just now how the Father's heart must ache when relationships break. I know how my heart breaks when my sons fight or wound each other; I can only imagine how God must feel when His children hurt each other and discard one another, and even moreso when it happens within the church. John 13:35 says the world will know we are Jesus' disciples by our love for one another, so why isn't our first mission to clean up our relationships with each other? All the "good deeds" we do are kind of meaningless if we're holding resentment and bitterness toward a Brother or Sister. And I don't think the Lord lets us off the hook if the rift is with someone who's not a believer. (Case in point, my parents aren't Christians.) Ultimately, this is about our relationship with God, and following His commands to forgive and to be at peace with all people. We can't control what other people do and how they respond, of course, but shouldn't it be OUR job, as Christ's ambassadors, to make the first move? What's stopping us?

Talk about an upward/outward/inward process...upward to God by asking Him to show me my heart and confessing, repenting, and receiving His forgiveness; outward to others by reaching out and beginning the process of reconciliation; inward to myself to take a serious look at why this is so hard for me, what my fears are, and oh yeah, maybe what part *I* played in the breakdown of the relationships that are broken. And then back to God to confess...and back to others to bring things into the light...ah, the circle of life.

I hope you will join me in this journey to make 2012 the Year of Reconciliation. Let's mend past hurts and commit to keeping short accounts about future ones. Let's try to apologize more quickly and forgive more easily. Let's be intentional about processing the deep pain that has ahold of our hearts so that we can move forward on this upward/outward/inward journey of life. I would love to pray with and for anyone who needs help in this area. We need each other!

Time to put a stamp on the envelope and put that card in the mail.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Invite Him In

When creating and serving a signature dish, a chef will sometimes say, "That's me on the plate." Artists will say the same thing, "That's who I am, on the canvass." I'm a wannabe chef and writer and often I will put my heart out there via food and words...but every now and then I read what someone else wrote and resonate with it so deeply, that it feels like they took my heart and put it into words far more cogent and eloquent than I ever could. I read such writing this morning and had to post it here.

It's my heart...on the screen...via John and Stasi Eldredge. I share it with you with much love, and prayers that we will invite Him in, and continue to do so for the rest of our days.

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There is a famous passage of Scripture which many people have heard in the context of an invitation to know Christ as Savior. "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in…" (Rev 3:20). He does not force himself upon us. He knocks, and waits for us to ask him in. There is an initial step, the first step of this which we call salvation. We hear Christ knocking and we open our hearts to him as Savior. It is the first turning. But the principle of this "knocking and waiting for permission to come in" remains true well into our Christian life.

You see, we all pretty much handle our brokenness in the same way - we mishandle it. It hurts too much to go there. So we shut the door to that room in our heart and we throw away the key - much like Lord Craven locks the Secret Garden upon the death of his wife, and buries the key. But that does not bring healing. Not at all. It might bring relief - for awhile. But never healing. Usually it orphans the little girl in that room, leaves her to fend for herself. The best thing we can do is to let Jesus come in, open the door and invite him in to find us in those hurting places.

It might come as a surprise that Christ asks our permission to come in and heal, but he is kind, and the door is shut from the inside, and healing never comes against our will. In order to experience his healing we must also give him permission to come in to the places we have so long shut to anyone. Will you let me heal you? He knocks through our loneliness. He knocks through our sorrows. He knocks through events that feel too close to what happened to us when we were young - a betrayal, a rejection, a word is spoken, a relationship is lost. He knocks through many things, waiting for us to give him permission to enter in.

Perfect Autumn Dessert

Haven't blogged in awhile. Many things stirring in my soul but nothing I can write about just yet. In the meantime, let me share this delicious recipe; I made it last night for a gathering and it was a big hit. It's perfect for an autumn evening...enjoy!

Apple, Pear, and Dried-Cherry Crumble

1/2 cup sugar
3 tablespoons plus 1-1/2 cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon, divided
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
4 large Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, cut into 1/4” slices
2 large pears, peeled, cored, cut into 1/4-inch-thick slices
1 cup dried cherries (or dried cranberries...I used some of each!)
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
3/4 cup (packed) golden brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons finely grated lemon peel
Vanilla and/or caramel ice cream

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Butter 13x9x2- inch oval ceramic baking dish. Mix sugar, 3 tablespoons flour, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, and nutmeg in large bowl. Add apples, pears, and dried cherries to bowl; sprinkle with lemon juice and toss to coat. Transfer to prepared dish.

Using fingertips, mix butter, brown sugar, lemon peel, remaining 1 1/2 cups flour, and remaining 1 teaspoon cinnamon in medium bowl until moist clumps form. Crumble butter mixture over fruit.

Bake until fruit bubbles at edges and crumble is crisp and beginning to brown on top, about 1 hour. Cool about 20 minutes.

Spoon crumble into bowls and serve with ice cream.

from Bon Appetit magazine

Bittersweet

"Desire is the source of our most noble aspirations and our deepest sorrows. The pleasure and the pain go together; indeed, they emanate from the same region in our hearts." -- John Eldredge

Today was fun, it really was.

Glenn threw a party for my 50th birthday. "Ninapalooza!" :) I was surrounded by family and friends who are near and dear to me. We laughed a lot. We ate yummy grilled meat and an amazing chocolate and lemon layer cake with lemon curd and chocolate ganache (thanks Debbie!). We all enjoyed the sunshine and cool breeze of Alameda, right next to the bay. I was given some wonderful gifts, hand-picked with care. I felt loved. Very loved.

And yet...

...there was a twinge of pain I couldn't shake. The ache of missing loved ones who could not be here today for various reasons -- relatives and dear friends who live too far away; family from whom I'm estranged; a close-as-a-brother friend who died many years ago; a friend who recently bid me a painful farewell. I carry them all in my heart along with the longings -- wishing I could have afforded to fly everyone out here; wondering if there will ever be reconciliation; wishing he hadn't died; wanting a different ending.

Maybe this explains why I love the combination of lemon and chocolate so much.

As the cake was cut today, I was struck by the beauty in the contrast of the yellow and brown layers; the interplay of light and dark. A bite of everything together brought an amazing taste sensation of sweet and sour and bitter; it was far more complex than a "just chocolate" or "just lemon" cake would have been. Just as my mouth savors the complexities of flavors, my heart savors the rich experience of emotional complexities.

So today I embrace the love and the loss, the joy and the pain, the laughter and the tears, the pleasure of what is and the longing for what could be. Not a bad way to usher in the next half-century of my life, eh?

P.S. I'm sure glad there's leftover cake!

Patient Trust

Had to share this; the first line completely grabbed me and I was riveted to the very end.

Patient Trust

by Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

Above all, trust in the slow work of God

We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some states of instability ---
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually --- let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that His hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

Transition

Goodbye, hello.

Hello, goodbye.

He Loves Me (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

^{It's been a bad month.}

I had started taking care of my health -- physical, spiritual and mental -- and it all seemed to vaporize. I was finding it hard to even leave the house. Here I was in this lovely town about which I had waxed so poetic on this blog, and I would go days without going outside, spending time in my chair, watching DVDs and eating poorly. Why? What happened to my "resolve" to eat right, take walks, breathe deeply, soak up the sun, spend time with Jesus and read the Bible (aka soaking up the Son)...where did it all go?

Today a verse came to mind that illuminated things for me:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed...

That's from Lamentations, chapter 3. It hit me today that I have been in a perpetual state of lament which has been consuming me. And while I am a huge believer in lamenting, it is clearly not what is to consume us. I have allowed many emotions to consume my heart and soul and they have crowded out the truth that I know...the truth that is the bedrock of my life: I am the beloved of God. No matter what is going on, no matter how deep the pain, His love goes deeper. Somewhere along the way, I allowed other things to rule and reign in me. I was consumed.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.

How easily my soul can get entangled by other things instead of staying open to receive the deep, high, long and wide love of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How easily I can take for granted that the Creator of the Universe loves me with a love so great that He would sacrifice His only Son FOR ME. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How easily I can shrug that off and focus on my pain and struggle to the point of not taking care of myself, or even caring about caring. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.

The verse in Lamentations continues this way: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

It truly is His kindness that leads to repentance. I do not want to be consumed by anything but Him.

So these are my marching orders -- Feel the feelings, but do not allow them to consume me. Get out of the chair. Take a walk. Eat some veggies. Breathe in the air. Go to the cross. Worship. Even if I feel lousy. Even if all I want to do is cry. Do not allow pain to stop me from maintaining some semblance of health.

And most of all, take time to soak in God's goodness, faithfulness and love.

Yes, yes, yes.