Bittersweet

"Desire is the source of our most noble aspirations and our deepest sorrows. The pleasure and the pain go together; indeed, they emanate from the same region in our hearts." -- John Eldredge

Today was fun, it really was.

Glenn threw a party for my 50th birthday. "Ninapalooza!" :) I was surrounded by family and friends who are near and dear to me. We laughed a lot. We ate yummy grilled meat and an amazing chocolate and lemon layer cake with lemon curd and chocolate ganache (thanks Debbie!). We all enjoyed the sunshine and cool breeze of Alameda, right next to the bay. I was given some wonderful gifts, hand-picked with care. I felt loved. Very loved.

And yet...

...there was a twinge of pain I couldn't shake. The ache of missing loved ones who could not be here today for various reasons -- relatives and dear friends who live too far away; family from whom I'm estranged; a close-as-a-brother friend who died many years ago; a friend who recently bid me a painful farewell. I carry them all in my heart along with the longings -- wishing I could have afforded to fly everyone out here; wondering if there will ever be reconciliation; wishing he hadn't died; wanting a different ending.

Maybe this explains why I love the combination of lemon and chocolate so much.

As the cake was cut today, I was struck by the beauty in the contrast of the yellow and brown layers; the interplay of light and dark. A bite of everything together brought an amazing taste sensation of sweet and sour and bitter; it was far more complex than a "just chocolate" or "just lemon" cake would have been. Just as my mouth savors the complexities of flavors, my heart savors the rich experience of emotional complexities.

So today I embrace the love and the loss, the joy and the pain, the laughter and the tears, the pleasure of what is and the longing for what could be. Not a bad way to usher in the next half-century of my life, eh?

P.S. I'm sure glad there's leftover cake!

Patient Trust

Had to share this; the first line completely grabbed me and I was riveted to the very end.

Patient Trust

by Pierre Teilhard De Chardin

Above all, trust in the slow work of God

We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some states of instability ---
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually --- let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that His hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

Transition

Goodbye, hello.

Hello, goodbye.

He Loves Me (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

^{It's been a bad month.}

I had started taking care of my health -- physical, spiritual and mental -- and it all seemed to vaporize. I was finding it hard to even leave the house. Here I was in this lovely town about which I had waxed so poetic on this blog, and I would go days without going outside, spending time in my chair, watching DVDs and eating poorly. Why? What happened to my "resolve" to eat right, take walks, breathe deeply, soak up the sun, spend time with Jesus and read the Bible (aka soaking up the Son)...where did it all go?

Today a verse came to mind that illuminated things for me:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed...

That's from Lamentations, chapter 3. It hit me today that I have been in a perpetual state of lament which has been consuming me. And while I am a huge believer in lamenting, it is clearly not what is to consume us. I have allowed many emotions to consume my heart and soul and they have crowded out the truth that I know...the truth that is the bedrock of my life: I am the beloved of God. No matter what is going on, no matter how deep the pain, His love goes deeper. Somewhere along the way, I allowed other things to rule and reign in me. I was consumed.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.

How easily my soul can get entangled by other things instead of staying open to receive the deep, high, long and wide love of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How easily I can take for granted that the Creator of the Universe loves me with a love so great that He would sacrifice His only Son FOR ME. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How easily I can shrug that off and focus on my pain and struggle to the point of not taking care of myself, or even caring about caring. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.

The verse in Lamentations continues this way: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

It truly is His kindness that leads to repentance. I do not want to be consumed by anything but Him.

So these are my marching orders -- Feel the feelings, but do not allow them to consume me. Get out of the chair. Take a walk. Eat some veggies. Breathe in the air. Go to the cross. Worship. Even if I feel lousy. Even if all I want to do is cry. Do not allow pain to stop me from maintaining some semblance of health.

And most of all, take time to soak in God's goodness, faithfulness and love.

Yes, yes, yes.

The Beauty of Ouch

I have spent the last 20 years (give or take) learning how to express my negative feelings; you know the ones -- anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, intimidation, etc. For someone who grew up in an emotionally abusive home, this has been quite a wild ride. After discovering I had a voice (dammit) I took far too many liberties with it, mostly at my husband and kids, and I did a lot of damage in the name of my healing. *sigh*

While I certainly made some big strides on this journey, the road was long with many a winding turn. About five years ago, I felt the Lord gently say to me, "Just because you CAN say something, doesn't mean you SHOULD." This was in the context of keeping my mouth shut at women's Bible studies where certainly the world would come to an end if I didn't speak up about certain things. (Ah, don't we love it when He points out spiritual pride?) But I soon realized this word applied to all areas of my life. Thus a new adventure began, of understanding I can CHOOSE not to speak and that doesn't mean someone is oppressing or squelching me. It doesn't mean I've lost my voice; it means I'm gaining some wisdom and discipline to know how to use that voice well. I don't think any of us ever gets this right 100% of the time, but since I came from such a deficit it felt a bit like learning how to walk. There have been times when I stayed silent when it became clear down the road that I should have spoken up, and vice-versa...sometimes about trivial things; sometimes about crucial issues. What a journey.

Somewhere along the way, I discovered the beauty of ouch. It's such a small word; I love how it feels in my mouth. Finding one's ouch is an important thing. What causes me to ouch might not cause you to ouch, and so it helps us understand each other more. Ouch doesn't accuse. It doesn't say, "YOU did this and YOU are bad/wrong/unacceptable." It says, "That hurt/stung/bothered ME." It helps to "keep things in the I" as therapists and communication instructors tell us over and over again.

Sometimes we don't know what to do with ouch. Defenses rise up ("I didn't do anything wrong!") or judgments are made ("You're too sensitive!"). I know I haven't always known what to do with someone else's ouch. Now I understand that one of the most beautiful phrases in the English language is, "I'm sorry that hurt you." This is such a gentle way to come alongside the person you care about and let them know you have heard and respected their ouch. (And if you're in the same room, a hug can be nice, too. At least for me.)

I recently had an exchange with a friend; "I need to say ouch," I said. I explained why. They listened and apologized, explaining what had been going on with them. I listened and forgave. It was over in about two minutes. That's a beautiful thing. Two minutes to avoid walls being built. Two minutes to create safety and freedom. It's a risk to do this, though, isn't it? It takes a leap of faith and humility; when I say ouch, I feel unguarded and vulnerable. However, I know one thing for sure (à la Oprah) -- if I *don't* have those conversations, then those two minutes of unspoken hurt/anger/disappointment will add up to days and years of suppressed feelings which damage my soul and build walls between me and others. It's taken a long time but I think I'm finally getting it through my head and heart that the more I do this, the less riskier it feels, especially in relationships where room and respect for our ouches has been established.

I am grateful for the people in my life who have also discovered the beauty of ouch....who take the risk with me, and who care for me when I do the same. You know who you are.

"Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble." - 1Peter 3:8

Pardon My Gushing

How do I love thee, Alameda? Let me count the ways, in no particular order:

1) The weather right now is splendiferous. Sunny with clear skies. High 60s to high 70s, depending on the day. Most of the time a lovely, cool breeze. I want to be outside all the time.

2) The water! I'm a mile from a freaking BEACH! Real sand. Small waves. Even a little pier. Sun glistening on the bay...pinch me!

3) It is so quiet here! Glenn thinks it has something to do with all the trees...they seem to absorb the traffic noise even on busier streets. Speaking of which...

4) The trees! The lush lawns! My eyes are still adjusting to all of this green. I hope I never take it for granted.

5) Soooo many beautiful and/or charming homes of various kinds -- Victorians, Dutch Farmhouses, Craftsmen, California Bungalows, even some Cape Cods and Colonials.

6) Hydrangeas!! So many of the aforementioned homes have lovely front yards/gardens; hydrangeas, which are my favorite, abound! And I'm talking big, mature bushes with lots and lots of those big, colorful flower balls.

7) It feels like I'm not in California, but in a small midwestern town. Why?

a) The 25mph speed limit on the Island = slower pace. (90+% of the drivers obey this law.)

b) There are corner markets in every neighborhood.

c) Everyone is friendly; passersby actually make eye contact and smile or say hello.

d) The entire town celebrates the 4th of July in a way I've never seen. Flags are de rigeur, even in CA, but BUNTING? Seeing Victorian homes with bunting carefully draped on porches and under windows...it's something I've only seen in movies/television shows/pictures of the midwest. And the parade here is famous. Which leads me to...

e) This year, one of the groups in the parade, the Hot Pink Feathers, caused quite a stir with their skimpy outfits. You'd think living so close to SF would make everyone jaded, but not here! As the online Alameda Patch newspaper reported, "It was a Mayberry meets Mardi Gras moment" and the town was abuzz, which delights me to no end. It seems there's really a place in CA where underwear is still considered private. (Victoria's Secret be damned!)

8) It's a very dog-loving place. Huge dog park. Dogs are allowed in some stores and on patios of restaurants (what is this, Paris?). And I see people walking their dogs everywhere. Can't wait to join them!

9) The view of the San Francisco skyline across the bay still makes me gasp; it's so beautiful on a clear day. (Today I could see the fog rolling in!) Nighttime brings the city lights and a sparkling Bay Bridge.

10) Speaking of the city...it's so close! 15 minutes by BART, 20 minutes by ferry, 30 minutes by car (or even less when there's no traffic).

11) It's foodie heaven with lots of restaurants of all ethnicities and price ranges. Of course, I want to try them all!

12) There are a couple of "downtown" areas which look like Main Street, USA; even the one that's more upscale.

13) South Shore Center -- a sprawling outdoor mall across the street from, yup, the shore! Includes Trader Joe's, a huge Safeway, Bed Bath & Beyond, Ross, Kohl's, Petco, and lots of restaurants and smaller stores. It's well-landscaped and there are benches under the shady trees for when one needs a rest from shopping.

14) Pagano's Hardware Store! I cannot say enough about this place which is just two blocks from our house. The kitchen section alone is worth a visit.

15) The movie theater..stunning! An old art deco movie palace which was renovated a few years ago at a price tag of over $15 million. Just beautiful. There are eight screens total, but the main cinema is in the big theater.

I'm sure I'll think of more.

A friend said to me today, "You're where you're supposed to be; you're home." Yeah...I really think so.

C is for...

I went to a Church this evening which absolutely delighted me. It was mostly younger-than-me people (e.g. the pastor is 32!) who are Completely passionate about Creating a Cross-Centered, Christ-following Community...with a capital C...kind of stunning for this day and age, really. Their information contained words like Covenant, Commitment and even Confrontation. Suddenly I didn't feel like such an old fogey after all. They are absolutely open to Conversation with the Curious and skeptical while being completely serious in their pursuit of truth and looking intently (and intensely) at what Scripture has to say about everything. Short of being a "house church," they want to, as much as possible, live a first-century life within the twenty-first-century culture. I was more than impressed.

I had the opportunity to Chat with the pastor at the end of the service and to pray for him. He's got a big heart and a big vision for his small-but-growing flock. And while I don't know if I will join them on their particular journey, I wanted very much to bless this shepherd and his very serious desire to live "life together" (à la Bonhoeffer).

(Check them out at www.eucharistsf.org.)