What a Difference Nine Years Make!

It's all beginning to feel more real... the day after tomorrow, on Saturday morning, I will drive away from the life I have lived in Tucson for the past 9+ years.

I have felt compelled to stay completely invested here until the very end. The temptation to hide and just deal with the logistics of everything has been great; I must say I am so glad to have not given into that temptation. There have been such sweet and meaningful times with people I would not have wanted to miss -- coffees, breakfasts, lunches, dinners. It's not the food and drink ingested that will stay with me, of course...it's the love poured out and received, one to another...the tears, laughter, facial expressions and hugs that said it all.

I leave Tucson a very different woman from when I arrived here at the end of 2001. I know I'm loved, more than I have ever known this...loved by God and by humans. I have the best women friends I've ever had in my life, some of whom I "left behind" in CA and to whom I now return. Those friendships have blossomed and deepened even while I've been here, which tells me they are going to be lifelong relationships; I don't think I really knew that when I came to AZ, but it is such a blessing to know it as I move back to CA. The "new" friendships I have made here are solid and healthy, and some will also be lifelong (and some of them are no longer based in AZ! Ohio? Oregon? Who knew?!). Distance can't take away that kind of deep connection. Even as length of time stretches between phone calls and visits, it will be wonderful to be able to jump back in, right where we left off. I leave with no doubts about these friendships. This has been such a work of God, to heal the wounds from the past and to feel so comfortable around women, to really love them without reserve or clinginess...and to *trust* the love and friendship they bring to me. Those who've known me a long time will understand how huge this is for my soul. All that to say, "Hallelujah!"

I come back to CA having been a Worship Pastor, something I could only imagine 9 years ago. (And it had been a long 9-year wait before that!) I do not know if I will ever lead another worship ministry, but it was a joy and a privilege to have done so at Vineyard City Church. I loved my team; each person who served, for whatever length of time, brought something valuable to the ministry. I have so many wonderful memories...such good camaraderie among all the teams. I leave immensely grateful that we never had any "wars" -- our sound team, video team and band operated as one team, and we all loved and cared for each other. I'm sure much of that was sustained by the prayers of our faithful prayer team who we also loved!! I leave knowing the worship ministry is moving forward beautifully, and I'm excited to see what is going to unfold as the years go by. I was blessed and honored to co-lead worship this past Sunday. As I looked out at the congregation, I saw so many new faces, many familiar ones, too...and missed the ones who were no longer there. Mostly, as always, I loved hearing voices lifted and seeing hands raised in worship to our Lord. There isn't much else in life that brings me such pure joy -- singing and making music with others, all as an offering to God, and seeing others engage with our Lord in worship...can't get much better than that.

I leave AZ as an "empty nester" with my boys now young men of 23 and 20, with lives of their own. My concerns for them, as their mother, are different from when we moved here (when they were 14 and 11!) but the love is only deeper. I'm excited to see where their individual journeys take them.

I leave this big house that I have loved so much but I'm glad to be downsizing; less to tidy, less to deal with, less "stuff"...less will ultimately be more, especially with a puppy around. (Yeah, he turned a year old a couple of weeks ago, but Dweezil is still very much a puppy.) This has been a great house for gatherings...baptisms in our pool, yearly Oscar parties, weekly home group for 4 years, so many prayer times with beloved friends, worship band practice the first couple of years here, lots of wonderful dinners around the table, Thanksgivings and Christmases, and rolling out Pepparkakor dough on my big kitchen island. (Oh, I will miss that!) I hear the echoes of my boys bickering, and also giggling together. We have wept and rejoiced in this house, as a family, and with our extended family...and with our family of God, and I am so grateful for the time spent living and loving in its walls.

Last but certainly not least, I leave with the man I came with, which was nearly unthinkable a year ago. "Dance with the one who brung you," the old saying goes. I am delighted and grateful to be sharing this new chapter with Glenn.

All of the above makes me think of that old Steven Curtis Chapman song:

We'll travel over mountains so high

We'll go through valleys below
Still through it all we'll find that
This is the greatest journey

The human heart will ever see

The love of God will take us far

Beyond our wildest dreams

Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze
Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace
Let's follow our Leader into the glorious unknown
This is a life like no other - this is the great adventure...

(bridge and chorus from "The Great Adventure")

Happy trails, everyone.

What I *Think* I Know and Don't Know for Sure

Lots of questions being asked these days so here are the answers:

Our last day at Vineyard is this Sunday, March 27.

I'll be co-leading worship during the service (so blessed!!).

There is a farewell gathering Sunday from 1-3 at Marty Smith's house (all are welcome!).

We are leaving Tucson on April 2.

We will arrive in the Bay Area on April 3.

We leave for Australia on April 12.

We return from Australia on April 21.

That's what I know for sure.

Which means I don't know:

Where we'll live before we officially move (probably a furnished apt. for a month or so).

When we will officially move (probably June).

Where we'll live once we officially move (we hope Alameda).

Of course, all of the above could change at a moment's notice. Our plans have changed so many times, I am barely keeping it all straight. More than ever I know this for sure:

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God." -- Corrie Ten Boom

The Healing Hand of God

Over the past couple of years, one of my relationships -- a key one -- had turned sour. There were conflicts and misunderstandings so deep and painful that a few months ago we went to a counseling session to try to sort it out. I wasn't sure at the end of that evening if any real progress had been made. A lot of harsh things were said on both sides, some quite ugly. I was counseled -- not by my counselor, but by an associate pastor in town -- to "wash my hands" of the situation and move on with my life.

But that didn't sit right with me. I had too much history with this person and their family. This was a bridge I didn't want to burn because to do so would also mean burning bridges with my church family, and I couldn't do that. But everything was messy and complicated and confusing.

So I prayed. A lot. And others prayed for me. A lot.

Slowly God made things clear. Forgive....completely and totally. Total Forgiveness by R. T. Kendall was an enormous help. (Thanks, Chrissy, for recommending it!) It explained in a fresh way what forgiveness is and what it isn't. The biggest nugget I took away from the book was that real forgiveness always involves some amount of suffering and sacrifice. I was suffering already, but did I want to make the sacrifice which might cause me to feel even greater suffering? To really let go of my pride and my need to be right? To not be able to hash through the minutiae of everything and come to some kind of resolution? In the past, I would have called that "sweeping things under the rug" which my family of origin did far too often. But I came to see that sometimes sweeping isn't unhealthy, as long as I sweep it all into the hands of God...sweep the mess to the foot of the cross and let it go. What I needed to "wash my hands of" wasn't the person or the relationship, but the hurt and pain caused therein. And to forgive the wrongs done to me and my family...and to know I was completely forgiven by God for the wrongs I had done (which were many), even if they couldn't forgive me and the relationship couldn't be reconciled. To do this required much weeping; much letting go and with NO guarantee of change...no guarantee that the relationship would be healed. But what was guaranteed was that *I* would come away changed, healed of bitterness and resentment, and be closer to God and conformed more closely to the image of His Son. That's what I want...always. More than anything. So it was a choice to press in. And to let go.

Rereading Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard (the last time I read it was 27 years ago!) reminded me that the journey up the mountain requires traveling with the companions of Sorrow and Suffering...and a winding path which often doesn't make sense...and a deep trust that joy will come after mourning.

God, in His infinite kindness and mercy, provided some situations where I was able to reach out in love to this person and their family. At the Christmas Eve service I felt the years of pain begin to wash away as I cried and remembered all the love and care, working hard together and sharing fun times; there were a lot of good memories. I didn't want my 9+ years here in Tucson to be defined by the worst season...I didn't want my relationship with this person and their family to be defined by the worst things we said and did. So God began to provide some new memories -- a smile here, a hug there, a little chat now and then. Slowly the Lord lifted me out of the mire and put my feet on a rock and a new song in my heart. And I knew that I wanted to leave Tucson with my heart full of love for this person.

All I can say is GOD DID IT! and beyond what I could ask for or imagine. Not only has there been forgiveness on my side, but on theirs. Even with the harsh things I said out of hurt and anger, they were able to forgive me and move toward me to reconcile. It hit me yesterday when we were sharing a piece of pie and drinking our iced mochas (their treat!), that I was in the midst of Kingdom work. Jesus had done something big...two people with a lot of wounds (both of us have family histories of abandonment) were able to come together and hold hands for a minute and say, "We're OK." And talk about good times...and the future. To express compassion for hard things we've been going through. And I knew in those moments that it wasn't about sweeping anything under the rug -- it was that we had each made a choice to move forward because of the love of Christ and our love for one another.

Honestly, I've never experienced this before...not with pain that deep, and certainly not with my family of origin. When things get/got ugly and too painful, my family's "M.O." is to abandon, to cut people off, to turn their backs and to blame, blame, blame. To have this person sit before me and tell me, "We're fine" and mean it was one of the most healing moments ever.

What I haven't shared yet, is this coffee time came on the heels of this person and me taking Communion together on Sunday...which may have been the best moment of all. To pray for one another and share the body and blood of Christ together was incredibly powerful. No sin is too great for God to forgive. And because of that, no sin is too great for us to forgive, if we do it through Jesus and not on our own strength. To hear them say to me, "Nina, you are family, you will always be family" was a healing balm that went straight to the core of the pain I carry, not having a "real" family who is willing/able to deal with the messiness of life.

And family sure as heck can be messy. And really painful. Words turn ugly. Anger spews forth like venom. But in a good family, a family who is committed to loving one another no matter what, forgiveness comes. Nothing makes you "not family"...EVER. As I said, I don't have that experience in my "natural" family. But the Lord has given me that gift in HIS Family. And these recent experiences have planted something very deep in my soul that I will carry with me into the next chapter of my life, wherever that takes me.

"I have seen the healing hand of God

Reaching out and mending broken hearts

Taste and see the fullness of His peace

And hold on to what's being held out

The healing hand of God."

-Jeremy Camp

(You can hear the song HERE.)

Leaping, er, Crawling over a Wall

Yard sale accomplished.

David says in the Psalms that with God he can leap over any wall. I'm just glad to have crawled over mine, with the help of some very wonderful women who busted their butts to help me this past weekend. I will be forever grateful for their love, laughter, prayers, support and hard work to help make this weekend more-than-tolerable, and successful, too!

One wall down, another one follows close behind...the aftermath. Packing up what didn't sell. Posting the bigger ticket items on craigslist, and praying they sell. And of course, packing up what we're keeping in order to move. Thankfully another wonderful woman is coming to my aid this week...for an entire week...to help me get over that wall.

The Lord does indeed give us what we need to conquer our mountains, and often it's through His people. Could I have done this on my own? I really don't think so. I'm glad I didn't have to find out.

So today as I head out to worship with my church family for one of the last times, my heart is full of thanksgiving for those He sent to help me. I might not be able to *leap* over my walls at the moment, but maybe a little leap of joy will be possible.

"For by You I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall." - Psalm 18:29

Welcome to Limboland (May I Put You on Hold?)

A friend just commented that I haven't in, out or updated this blog in awhile.

Indeed; I've fallen into Limboland and I can't get up. In other words, I'm in the middle of getting ready to move. We're just about to round the 2nd turn; the homestretch seems far ahead.

The movers come on April 1 (no fooling)...that's 24 days from today. And we still don't have a place to live in CA. Between now and then I will undoubtedly vacillate between calm and panic; and yes, I mean more than usual. I'm not sure a menopausal woman should ever be put in charge of moving, but c'est la vie. Fortunately, I have good friends who put up with me, and you know who you are. :)

So until I up/out/in-undate you all again, please pray for me to persevere, endure, keep my eyes on Jesus, and not eat too much ice cream.

:)

Face to Face with Myself

In my last entry, I mentioned a time when I was writing songs, doing local concerts (coffeehouses, mostly), making demo tapes and thinking about pursuing a career in the music biz. That was 30 years ago and for the most part was a distant memory.

Until tonight.

I was going through my music books, deciding what to sell and what to keep, when I opened up my piano bench for the first time in years and came face-to-face with my 19-year-old self. What I unearthed made me weep -- pages and pages of songs I'd written in college, the lyrics typed on a *typewriter* no less, and with no chords. (I even found a few pieces of paper and a notebook with handwritten lyrics.) Ah, the arrogance of youth, assuming I'd remember how to play them forever. But maybe the young Nina was right; as I read through the lyrics, most of the melodies came flooding back, and since I only knew a handful of chords back then (now it's maybe 2-3 handfuls), I could probably figure them out if I had any time to do so.

Geez, I was prolific. Note I didn't say "good." But at least I was writing...A LOT. And a few of the songs are actually decent. I exercised that muscle once this past year, and it felt really good to write again...to wrestle with words so that they made sense lyrically and melodically. I love the process. It had been five years. And before that, five more years. Life just kept getting in the way.

I remember about 16ish years ago, a singer-songwriter-musician friend of mine prayed over me, blessing the songwriter God had made me to be. Somehow I lost touch with that part of myself; but Tom's words were ringing in my ears tonight -- God has made me a songwriter. The gift/talent/skill has been lying dormant. I'm glad it bubbled up a few months ago. I pray it bubbles up again soon, and continues to flow for the rest of my life.

Even if my songs never go anywhere except to God's ears, that will be enough. I just need to write.

Face to Face with My Hero

I was about 12 feet from the stage. I could see the veins in her hands and the crow's feet around her eyes. (She is, after all, 50 years old now...just 9 months older than me.) I've never been so close to her in my life.

The first time I saw her in concert was 30 years ago. I had all *three* of her albums on both vinyl and cassette, and she was "it." I was 19, she was 20, and I wanted to be her; I wanted her life of singing, writing songs, sharing my heart from the stage and touring the world. A few people told me they thought I could be "next" and after doing a few local concerts, I started to think maybe that life was possible. I recorded a couple of demo tapes in college, with plans to send them off to some of the record companies in the burgeoning Christian music biz. One time a talent scout for one of those companies heard me sing and gave me his name and number, telling me to send him my tape. But I got cold feet. Or maybe God just had other plans for me and took my life in a different direction...far less performing and more worship leading.

Through the years, I became increasingly glad I didn't have her life. As her career grew and she became the most popular Christian recording artist of all time, and eventually "crossed over" into the pop world, she had many fingers pointing at her...not Christian enough for the church; too Christian for the world. Her failings were splashed all over the internet; her divorce was fodder for all sorts of gossip. Christian radio pulled her music for awhile. Nashville was abuzz when one of their most awarded country music stars became her new husband.

No thanks, I didn't want that life.

But I still loved her music and her heart; still bought every CD (or downloaded them on iTunes); watched every interview I heard about; went to as many concerts as I could. Moving to Tucson made it harder to see her perform as she, like most artists, only came to Phoenix and it was often not feasible to attend a Saturday evening show two hours away when I needed to be up and at 'em early for Sunday morning worship leading.

But this past Saturday night I was able to see her in concert after 8 long years (tickets were a Christmas gift from Glenn!). She's touring with one of her best friends, the man who got his start as her keyboard player, Michael W. Smith. Last time I'd seen them together was 20 years ago.

Several months ago, I waxed poetic on this blog about two other "old friends" I saw in concert. Carole King and James Taylor most assuredly were foundational musical influences for me and seeing them in concert (twice!) gave me memories I will treasure always. But Saturday night's experience was different...deeper...as it connected me not only with my musical history but with my history with Jesus.

I've been walking with the Lord for 31 years; Amy Grant has been my hero for about 30 of them. She was always so real on stage, making mistakes (it happened at this concert, too!), laughing at herself, sharing stories of her clumsy youth. She had curly hair with a widow's peak and was teased mercilessly in school. She got her start playing little songs in D on the guitar. Sound familiar? Every time I heard her speak, I was astounded at how our lives were so similar. She had her kids around the same time I had mine. Her stories of parenting made me laugh. Later, the poignancy and depth of the questions of her shattered heart made me cry. And her "come back" made me cheer. Her music has been the soundtrack to my life.

Ultimately, she's my hero because she has handled the messes in her life with exceptional grace, hanging onto Jesus through it all and continuing to speak and live out a message of love and compassion. And I just love her voice...have loved it in all its stages. I owe it to her that I found the "sweet spot" of my lower register as I learned to belt along with her "new" voice that seemed to emerge around her 5th album; I remember wearing out that tape trying to figure out how to growl the same way she did! (She has since dropped the growl, though there were some songs at the concert where I kind of missed it.)

So here I was within spitting distance of this woman I have admired from afar for so long and I felt so many things. For a few minutes I had those old pangs of wanting to headline a show like that, just for a moment...then I had familiar pangs of wanting to sing with her (I can still dream...I never thought I'd sing with Randy Stonehill, and that happened TWICE! Three times, if you count the house concert!) But mostly I just reveled in the moments as they unfolded -- laughing, smiling, crying, worshiping, dancing my butt off and singing my guts out. I loved seeing how she has come full circle, no longer needing to hide any part of herself, obviously comfortable in her own skin...sharing her faith openly, and still joyfully jumping around with some energy to the pop songs. (Though I must say that Carole King, at age 68, exhibited more energy than Amy & MWS combined!)

MWS was wonderful, too; one of the highlights was his piano instrumental -- the pure joy that came over his face as he played moved me to tears. He also led us in worship, which was glorious, with the main concert (before the encores) ending with Amy and Michael leading us in "Agnus Dei," the crowd on their feet, hands raised, singing the melody MWS penned so long ago (words taken from Revelation) which Amy recorded on her first Christmas album in the mid-Eighties and Third Day made into a hit about 10 years ago so it is now sung all over the world...

Alleluia! Alleluia!

For the Lord God Almighty reigns.

Alleluia! Alleluia!

For the Lord God Almighty reigns.

Alleluia!

Holy, holy are You, Lord God Almighty

Worthy is the Lamb, worthy is the Lamb

Amen.

Amazing how something so simple can be so powerful. I could have sworn the roof was blown off.

The first encore was the iconic "Friends"...and they sang it with their backs together. I loved the symbolism...they have each other's back. They've had each other's back for 28 years, through the ups and downs of life...through all the changes...

Friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say, "Never"

For the welcome will not end...

I didn't think the night could get any better. But then...

Final song. Everyone on their feet, dancing and singing along to a rousing rendition of the old Jackie DeShannon song, "Put a Little Love in Your Heart." Amy came to the edge of the stage, and I made eye contact with her as I was dancing to the music. And she smiled at me. (Glenn saw it happen, too...it wasn't my imagination!)

My hero smiled at me. I'm still savoring that moment.

I still want to sing with her some day, but for now, that smile will suffice.